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Oscars 2004

updated 2/29/04
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Page one: E! blather and the red carpet

7:07:
I'm taking a dinner break and will be back in a few minutes. The ABC preshow is duuuuumb.

7:13. All right, I've fixed a plate. Poor CZJ, they're forcing her to watch a clip of her speech last year.

Attention: If you just submitted an Oscar pool ballot, it came in blank--try again.

I don't know who this Billy Bush person is, but I want him shot. Ooooo, Johnny. Whoever said he looks very 21 Jump Street is absolutely right; that was my first thought. Aww, so classy: "I'm just here to say thanks for the nomination, and to applaud" the others.

My Lord, how many tattoos does Angelina have? She's got, like, a whole book written on her back. Heh, that annoying guy is like, "Would you go to the fourth step and wave to me?" And then while he's throwing it to a commercial, a handler comes and rescues Angelina. HA!

GOD, get this guy out of the theater! Sandra Bullock:
"ARE YOU LEANING OVER ALEC BALDWIN?" Apparently. Baldwin has just said, to Kingsley sitting in front of him, that he basically "stole Sir Ben's performance from Sexy Beast, so I'm doing good just be here." Here's Chris Connelly with Tom Hanks.

START THE SHOW!

God, Billy Bush is weaseling into the seat between Nicole and Renee. SHOOT HIM! SHOOT HIM!

Awwwww, here's Elijah Wood and Peter Jackson. Elijah is very interested in Maria Menounos' diamond dress. And not necessarily in a het way. (I didn't say that.) PJ seems prepared for the worst. Awwww, Jackson says that "tomorrow morning is the closing of the LOTR books." Awwwww.

Oh God. Billy Bush. Uma-Oprah jokes. SHOOT HIM! SHOOT HIM! Sofia! You can take him! I know you can!  Oh, Jesus, now he's introduced Keisha to Johnny. Johnny thinks she's wonderful.
Keisha hates Billy. Me too, Keisha. Me too.

Aaaaaaaaaaand here we are.

7:30. Sean Connery. Why Sean Connery? I am concerned. "Movies are the force that bindsh ush together." Oh God, I just had an Agent Smith moment. And here's what's got to be Crystal's song and dance routine. These are usually somewhere between hilarious and excruciating--yay, he's pirating the movie! Heh. Oh God, a One Ring joke first 30 minutes in. And then a scary T3 joke. M&C. Pirates. Oh dear, we're doing it as a movie trailer. ROTK, Seabiscuit, Mystic River, Finding Nemo--Bingo on the Gollum impression! Heh, nice Weinstein rip. God, this is so bizarre. Everyone from Something's Gotta Give is now screa . . . wow, that is so much more of Billy Crystal than I needed to see. So. Yeah. Whaaaat? Sammy Davis Jr.? Did he just do blackface? Christ, this is lame. LEGOLAS! MY EYES!

HEEEEEEEE! Michael Moore gets stomped by a mumak. Okay, that was worth it. (Gratuitous Jack shot! Where's my bingo card . . . )

Okay, "I'll be your Master and Commander tonight" is not worthy of a huge laugh. Ah, political jokes. Shot of smiling Tim Robbins. "There's Johnny Depp, the sexiest man alive"--huge applause--who is Jack Valenti's "worst nightmare: a slightly gay pirate." Okay, eleven noms for ROTK--"one for each ending"--made me laugh out loud. By God, he made Sean Penn smile. So now he's singing "Mystic River" to the tune of . . . I'm not sure what, really. "Old Man River"? Now he's serenading Eastwood in the audience; nice Paint Your Wagon burn.

Still, I miss Steve Martin.

We're on to Lost in Translation. A nice joke about trying to wake up Brando in the time it took Sofia to make her movie. "Today Peter Jackson woke with Seabiscuit's head in his bed." He's singing "Sofia" to the tune of what, "Maria"? Oh dear:  "Julie Andrews: I apologize in advance." ROTK to the tune of "My Favorite Things." For some reason, a shot of Uma laughing. "Seabiscuit" to the tune of something, what is it, a Bond song? Yes. Dammit, I'm not up on my Bond songs. Something about Seabiscuit's nose while it grows. Please stop singing. I'm begging you. (I'm a tough one, what can I say?) Master and Commander to the tune of a SInatra song. I have no idea who that closeup was just off. And what was that, our second or third San Francisco joke of the night? Ah, yes, ending on his knees, just as he promised Barbara Walters.

A shoutout to Marc Shaiman. Johnny Depp checks his watch. Here's CZJ to present Supporting Actor--first award, just like tradition. (Cut to Douglas watching his wife.) Aww, nice Hounsou clip. Also, I have no idea what Watanabe is saying in his clip. Here we go.
Tim Robbins wins; the crowd goes wild. Big hug from Penn and Eastwood and Harden. Aww, Eastwood looks happy. He thanks the nominees and the two writers (novel and script), Eastwood, the other actors, the crew, names I do not recognize. Someone "can kick it." His wife and kids. Back to his wife.  "I would like to say one more thing." Oh God. Awww, his political statement is going to be in support of abused kids. That's pretty awesome, ASTIN. Are you paying attention, ASTIN? Just checking.

Commercials: Martin Scorsese has messed up his photos. "Hey Timmy, it's your uncle Marty. How'd you like to turn five again?" I love that commercial.

Ooo! Here's Sir Ian McKellen. Dumb joke about "tracking Middle Earth on the red carpet." Nice orchestration of "Minas Tirith." Yay, he's here to present a clip! (Oh God, my right hand is seizing up again.) "You bow to no one."
Oh, shit, I think I just spontaneously burst into tears.

8:00. Here's Angelina Jolie with Art Direction. I think I had ROTK down. Oscar goes to: yay! Return of the King! Even Angelina seems happy.  Dominic Monaghan bounces in his seat. Awww, there's Alan Lee and his atrocious teeth. God bless him. Camera cuts to the LOTR section of the audience. Lee thanks Jackson.

Oh, God, Robin Williams and Billy Crystal are doing some sort of Spanish ventriloquist sock puppet thing ("QUIEN ES MAS MACHO!") Oh dear, Williams is trying to bare his breast--"Look at us, a San Francisco wedding cake!" Oh, honey, I've heard you tell that French Minnie Mouse with the armpit hair joke 50 times. Anyway, he's here to do animated film. And thank JESUS an animated character isn't helping him. Still, he cannot refrain from reading the nominees in an Elmer Fudd voice. Winner:
Finding Nemo.

Dammit, AngelDust just called and I missed Andrew Stanton's speech. They replay the moment Robbins found out he won, and I swear, he sits there like a deer in the headlights right up until they call his name.

Vladimir is extremely excited about Art Direction. Just thought I would let you know. As for the pool, the pool has been correct so far.

8:11. Here's Renee (orchestra: "Roxie"). Best Costume: I have Ngila Dickson down. I would like her to win for ROTK, but I think she may win for Last Samurai, my prediction. We'll see. Winner: YAY! Return of the King! I was wrong and I don't care!

(Skyblade on the tagboard: "The predictability of these awards is leading to the inevitability of Master and Commander winning best picture.")

The orchestra keeps playing "Minas Tirith."
It makes me feel like prancing. Crystal makes a nice joke about the hobbit costumes being on sale at the House of DeVito. Here's a blessedly brief bit about celebrities' "favorite" movies (Saddam Hussein: Holes) , and then Nicolas Cage is here to present . . . Master and Commander? Odd; I would have thought he'd intro Lost in Translation.

(Aww, Mommy of Digest brought me Oscar pudding.)

8:18. Wow, we're moving quickly. Here's Chris Cooper with Supporting Actress. Ah, my favorite Renee line. Winner: Renee Zellweger. The pool triumphs again. Renee looks SO MUCH BETTER than she did last year. She thanks the Academy and her fellow nominees. Vladimir points out that Renee is sitting with Bob Weinstein, which explains a lot--I only know Harvey on sight. Renee proceeds to thank every single person she has ever worked with. You think I'm kidding. And shetalkssofastohmyGodallIheardwasTomCruiseandVincentD'OnofriothankGodshe'sdone.

8:24. Billy Crystal gives a shout-out to the servicement. Now here's Tom Hanks with a tribute to Bob Hope. Thank God. Now I get to take a break.

Commercials: So, if there's a "Mystery of Natalie Wood" movie, does that mean someone's in it playing Christopher Walken? He was with her the night she died, you know. I would watch that movie.

8:30. Oh God, Ben Stiller is dressed as Starsky. He and Owen Wilson are now doing a bit about Ben's unfortunate outfit. Best Live Action Short: I have Two Soldiers down for this. And Two Soldiers it is. I am rockin' the pool this year. Hell, the pool is rockin' itself--all correct so far. Heeeee, the guy thanks Marc Shaiman "for coming in late on this next music cue." Shaiman does start bringing the music in, but he does it softly, so the guy gets to finish his sentence. Here we go, best animated short: the pool has Boundin', but I have Destino. Hmmm. Winner: HARVIE KRUMPET? Sigh. No sooner do I start gloating than we both go down the tubes.

8:37. Here's Liv, to the bouncy strains of "Minas Tirith." Clearly, they don't know any other music from LOTR. And she's here to present . . . a Cold Mountain song? All right then. So here's Sting, Alison Krauss, and the $2 million shoes. "You Will Be My Ain True Love." It's very nice, I hadn't heard it before. It's a lot easy to play the pool by statistics when you're not clouded by petty things like "having seen the movies" or "having heard the music." Here's Liv again--big cheer for Elvis Costello, with "Scarlet Tide."

Vladimir: (you're recapping everything like there is not a single VCR or TiVo in the universe)

Cleolinda: I know, I know
Cleolinda: but you have to recap what's happening, or it makes no sense the next day

Vladimir: (damned song? still on)

Cleolinda: is different song

Vladimir: heee

8:45. Wait, what? What's happening? Ah, here's Liv again. Settle down, we're going to be here a while. Here's Annie Lennox to do "Into the West" (big cheer, which surprises me, for some reason).

Vladimir: ooo, Liv has bogarted the Oscars
Vladimir: also, Lennox looks like Bowie in drag

I have to say, the show is going by lightning-fast. It feels like we're still in the first half hour. Lots of applause. And . . . the other two songs are chopped liver. I don't know. Here's a replay of Renee's moment; she's steeling herself for the announcement and then she sort of jumps, like someone spilled water down her dress. I like Renee--she's sort of gone downhill in the last few years with the Botox and the professional anorexia and all, but I'm pleased for her.

8:54. Oh dear. "What are the stars thinking?" Skit ahoy!

Penn: "Nice place, I don't think I've ever been thrown out of here."

Don't ever mention "sunburst nipple brooch" in Julie Andrews' presence again.

Connery: "Pusshy Galore! . . . I just got it! . . . That's VULGAR!"

Zellweger: "Mrs. Billy Crystal."

Theron: "Mrs. Billy Crystal."

Kingsley: "Sir Mrs. Billy Crystal."

Now Crystal's trying to do Robin Williams, and--I have no idea what just came out of his mouth. Of course, I don't catch half what comes out of Williams' mouth, either.

Here are the Pinkett-Smiths to announce Best Visual Effects, and Will Smith is giddy just to be standing there holding his wife's hand. Seriously, that's too cute. Here we go. POTC really did have great effects, I will say. It's too bad they have to go up against LOTR. Winner:
Return of the King. I have to say, Jim Rygiel is a dead ringer for Chris Carter, the X-Files guy. I am serious.

9:00. Here's Jennifer Garner with the Pre-Awarded Geek Awards of Geekness. Someone pointed out, I think it was last year, that there's a reason they always have a hot babe host for this thing. "What better way to spend Valentine's Day?" Awww, poor Jennifer.

Here's Jim Carrey with his Count Olaf baldness--say what? I have no idea what just came out of his mouth. He doesn't either, apparently. So . . . okay! Ah, he's here to present the Lifetime Achievement award to Blake Edwards and . . . he attacked his sister and brother-in-law in bed, pretending to be Cato? What? Wow, that is TM of the I there, babe. So: film clips. Breakfast at Tiffany's. Days of Wine and Roses. 10. Victor/Victoria. Apparently Blake Edwards really likes things falling down, over great heights if at all possible. So . . . there goes a stunt Blake Edwards in a wheelchair across the stage and through the wall. And out of the hole comes the real Edwards covered in plaster dust, to the theme of the Pink Panther. Nice. Heh, he lets Carrey hold his Oscar ("They don't let me hold these, man!"). (You know, I am starting to wonder if that wasn't really Edwards in the wheelchair the whole time. He's a lot spryer than he looked sitting there in the audience.) "So they've given me a minute and a half or ninety seconds, my choice," he says.

I was distracted during his speech, but it seems to have been very sweet and thoughful.


11:53 pm. My internet connection died at that  point, apparently just to spite me, and has not come back yet. I kept recapping in Word, however, so I'm posting what I wrote while I watched the show and ran back and forth from my sister's computer to keep an eye on the tagboard. We now resume from 9 pm-ish in that recap.

9:15. Here's Bill Murray to present a clip from Lost in Translation. "Four days into the Tokyo shooting, four crew members asked to quit, as they did not feel the director knew what she was doing. We were refused . . ." Big laugh. Murray points out that she is "the first American girl" to be nominated for Best Director (big applause).

On the tagboard, Mr. Typo is insisting that he roomed with Murray in college. "Nice dude. He stole my Snack Packs, though."

Here's Scarlett Johansson: "Believe it or not, I have been wearing makeup for 35 years." What? "No, no, not really." Okay . . . ! Best Makeup: the behind the scenes clips are v. fun. I always like that kind of thing. Winner:
Return of the King. Richard Taylor has more Oscars than he knows what to do with, apparently. Oh God, Taylah's still got that accent. Just when I thought it was getting better on the last DVD, here it comes right back again. Shaiman gracefully plays him offstage.

9:30. Sandra Bullock and John Travolta. Travolta is v. v. shiny. Sound Mixing: Return of the King. And the prancing music starts right back up again.

Crystal: “It’s official: there is no one left in New Zealand to thank.”

Well, shit. My internet connection’s just gone out, so I guess I’m going to have to recap in Word until I can get it back up. Nothing’s working, not even a system restore. Sigh.

Anyway,
Master and Commander won Sound Editing, and then Julia Roberts came out and did a tribute to Katharine Hepburn instead of the Annual Death March of Deathly Death. Here’s Oprah. “I Love A Great Movie,” she says emphatically. Ah, as opposed to the rest of us, who hate them and really prefer mediocre flicks. Yes. Mystic Riverclip: “IS THAT MY DAUUUGGGhHHAAAHAHAHAHGHTAHHHH  IN THEEEEEERRRRRRE????”

9:38. Here’s Diane Lane and John Cusack with Documentary Short Subject. Winner: Chernobyl Heart. I think the pool picked Asylum. I don’t know, because I still can’t get the internet to come up. GRRRRRR. I have no idea why it’s gone down, which is really frustrating.

Naomi Watts and Alec Baldwin with Documentary Feature: it’s down to Fog of War and Capturing the Friedmans, from what I can tell. (Small applause for Friedmans. Big applause for Friedmans. Even bigger applause for the next two. Huh.)
Fog of War wins. It’s about time Errol Morris got an Oscar, I tell you what. The pool went with Friedmans, unfortunately. Heeeeeee! “I’d like to thank the Academy for finally recognizing my films! I thought it would never happen!” Hee hee hee. Oh dear. He compares Vietnam to “a rabbit hole and says, “I fear…we’re going down a rabbit hole again. And if I can make people reflect on some of the ideas in this movie, maybe I’ve done some damn good!”

Crystal: “I can’t wait for his tax audit.”

Oh Lord: “A weapon of mass sleep induction…,” Frank Pierson, the president of the Academzzzzzzzzzz. Pierson: “Well, I just hope I don’t ruin his show.” Heh. He’s here to present a tribute to Gregory Peck. Wow, is everyone on the Death March getting his own tribute? Pierson blows the teleprompter script mightily and struggles to untwist his tongue for about a minute solid. He picks up and moves on. The show’s going so fast that this feels like a welcome breather. Ah, they’re just seguing into the Death March of Deathly Death.

Still no internet connection. Here’s Sting and Phil Collins—I take it that they’re actually going to present Best Song now. Well, Best Score, first. (Hey, wait, did I just sleep through “A Kiss at the End of the Rainbow,” or something?) Winner: Howard Shore,
Return of the King. Return of the prancing music! He wants to share the Oscar with the musicians and vocalists, Tolkien, Peter Jackson, the writers, and his voice cracks when he thanks his wife. Awww. A couple of shots of a jubilant Annie Lennox. The hobbits gaze on intently. (Ooo, does Sir Ian have a new date?)

Here’s Julianne Moore and Pierce Brosnan, totally not hyping their new rom-com Laws of Attraction
at all. Aaaaand… Best Editing. (Where are the other two songs?) Hmm. This category’s interesting—there’s the possibility of a ROTK sweep, but then, I think this was the most weakly edited of the three. City of God or M&C could upset, and . . . and Return of the King wins. Prancing music! Jamie Selkirk hugs Peter Jackson and shakes Elijah Wood’s hands. Somewhere, Correspondent Vladimir, as much as he loves LOTR, is not happy. Shots of Elijah Wood (suddenly grinning, I’m not sure why) and Sir Ian.

Crystal: “Do you know that people are moving to New Zealand just to be thanked?”

Jamie Lee Curtis is here to present the song from A Mighty Wind. Yay! “Please welcome…Mitch and Micki.” Hee hee hee. Full costume, I am telling you. (What the hell is that, that Catherine O’Hara’s got? A zither?) Eugene Levy is appropriately spaced out: “On drums…” (There are no drums.) The set cracks me up, too. Wow, Eugene Levy can actually sing; it’s pretty surprising. O’Hara can, too, but she sounds more like an actress singing than an actual singer, if that makes any sense. Hee! They kiss. Having not seen the movie yet, I don’t know if that’s part of the song, or something they never got to do in the movie. (Christopher Guest is out in the audience laughing.)

So that’s why the camera cuts away so oddly—they don’t want us to see the set change. Huh. “Belleville Rendez-vous”? Everywhere I saw the name, it was “The Triplets of Belleville (from The Triplets of Belleville).” Giving it an actual title makes a lot more sense. And I like the backup singers.

Having heard all the songs now, I would have to say that I would give it to “You Will Be My Ain True Love” on merit alone. I still say that Fran Walsh won herself an Oscar with the Cameron Duncan speech at the Globes, though.

Up next: A musical performance by Will Ferrell and Jack Black? Say what?

Best Song, Black and Ferrell. “There is no greater weapon in a director’s arsenal,” intones Ferrell. But the one song no one ever wants to hear? The music they play you off the stage with. “And it has lyrics.” Oh, here we go. “You’re boring! You’re boring! Catherine Zeta-Jones is snoooooring! They’re cutting to a commercial for Del Taahahahaahahahhhhhhhhhhhhco!” Cut to Sean Connery laughing. Heh.

Ferrell goes straight into the nominees straight-faced. (Audience laugh.) Huh, huge cheer for “Into the West.” Also for “A Kiss at the End of the Rainbow.” Cheers for the Cold Mountain songs, but… eh. (Ferrell has fun with “…Ssssting.”)

Winner: Fran Walsh, Howard Shore, and Annie Lennox, Return of the King. Awww, much hugging in the LOTR section. Peter Jackson’s wife is a tiny little pixie of a woman with flowers in her hair. Also, her dress is cut up to there. Annie Lennox is choked up. PJ blows a kiss to Lennox (wow, had no idea he was so smooth). All right, all right, Annie, you got two other people waiting to talk, here… who do not get to speak. Except that Fran Walsh stays after the music to talk about Cameron Duncan. Awww, that was nice. Tenacious, Fran Walsh is.

And here’s Charlize Theron to present… whoa,
that’s a dress. First time I’ve seen it full-length. And the makeup looks great under the lights—it looked awful in daylight, but now I get it. Ah, foreign film. I have The Barbarian Invasions down, as does much of the known world. Winner: The Barbarian Invasions.

Here’s Uma Thurman and Jude Law. You know, I like Uma’s gown. I don’t know that it’s Oscar-appropriate, but I really like it. Ah, cinematography. Since ROTK isn’t nominated, there’s no obvious winner. I think I picked
Master and Commander. Winner: Russell Boyd for M&C.

Still no internet.

Hee, they’re playing Wagner as the Coppolas come out. (“Sofia,” says Francis Ford, “I always wanted you to be in the family business.") They’re doing Best Adapted Screenplay—oh, Lord, they can’t give out Original Screenplay! I hope someone else comes up to do that, because—“Honey, here’s your Oscar!” That’s awful.

I have Mystic River as my prediction, but I don’t know. Most critics have pinned this as a really tough category. Winner: AHHHHHHHHH!
Return of the King! (Prancing music!) Awww, all the hobbits are up and clapping and hugging. Yay Philippa Boyens! I don’t think she’s won anything yet. And here’s Fran back up for another Oscar. Has Peter Jackson actually won an Oscar for his own self yet in all three years? I don’t think so… so this is nice. Philippa thanks Tolkien and her family and Howard Shore and the Jacksons. Awww, hobbits clapping. Jackson thanks his kids for their patience “since we’ve been making these movies all their lives.” Fran apparently doesn’t get to talk. Again.

Here’s Tobey Maguire (music: Spider-Man) here to present the Seabiscuit clip.

I just popped in to check on the tagboard—my sister’s computer is too busted to try actually posting anything of any length—and apparently the majority of the current posters on the board are displeased with the ROTK sweep. Heh.

Here are the Sarandon-Robbinses to present Original Screenplay. I’m thinking Sofia will win this. Winner: Sofia for
Lost in Translation. Huge applause. The announcer notes, for the trivia-minded among ye, that this makes the Coppolas the second three-generation family of Oscar winners (the other being the Hustons). She thanks her influences: Antonioni and Wong Kar-Wai and Godard and… Bob Fosse? And her muse Bill Murray. Awwww.

Oh dear. I think I just told Mr. Typo to bite me. Hee. A little punchy now, I am.

WHERE IS MY INTERNET?

Here’s Tom Cruise. Cut to Kidman in…five… four…three… two… aww, the camera guy passes up a perfectly good opportunity.

Ah, Best Director (ee! ee! ee!). Here we go; have your riot gear ready. Winner:
Peter Jackson. This is the prance we prance when we feel like prancing! Also, whew. Seriously, mass destruction was just averted. “You’re giving us an incredibly overwhelming night!” No shit, hon. Aww, more shots of hobbits clapping. (Hmm, Jackson is wearing some peaceable-type pins. Can’t see them all. I think one is a dove, and the other is a green and blue something.) Awww, he dedicates it to his late parents. And: more prancing music.

Crystal: “And he’s wearing shoes!”

Here’s Adrien Brody. Five bucks says the winner snogs him. “Don’t worry, they have me under restraining order,” he says. Yeah, but that doesn’t mean the lady can’t make the first move, babe. Best Actress, here we go…heh, Brody pops the breath spray. Winner:
Charlize Theron, who was laughing at the spray. Yeah, well, take advantage of it, darlin’. (Eww, I’d forgotten that Stuart Townsend was there with her.) Aww, she gives him a polite little sociable kiss. She really does look really good, much better than she looked on the carpet. Ah, cut to Townsend. She thanks Patty Jenkins first off, and “my incredible leading lady, Christina Ricci.” Awwww: “I know everyone in New Zealand has been thanked, so I’m going to thank everyone in South Africa, my home country!” Awww, she thanks Stuart and goes into tears when she thanks her mom, even though she says she isn’t (in tears, I mean).

Ah, actor and picture. “And when we return, the Oscar for best actor will be given to one of these actors: Johnny Depp!” Depp hears his name and looks at the camera like, “Who? What? Yarrr.”

Commercials: Wow, Kingdom Hospital looks cheesy.

Have gone to check on tagboard, but everyone seems to be doing all right without me. In fact, no one seems disturbed that I’m gone and not updating. Good to know that they miss you when you’re gone.

Here’s Nicole Kidman with Best Actor. All right, here’s the one we all want to know the answer to. (Oo, I like her dress now that I’ve seen it full-length. And I love her necklace. You know, if only she’d worn this
last year.) Yay Johnny! Big cheers in the audience. A nice little “Woo!” for Jude Law. Nice cheers for Bill Murray. Ah, here we go, the Sean Penn reaction, it’ll tell us a lot: big cheers. Oh dear. Winner? Awww, goddammit, it goes to Sean Penn. Ah, well, Johnny, we’ll always have the SAGs. And try not to make an ass of yourself, all right, Sean? Aww, everyone’s standing up clapping for him, Johnny Depp and Jude Law and everyone. I mean, even I admit that he’s one of the greats. I just don’t like him personally. But it is really sweet to see all these actors who admire him stand up and cheer for him. Aww, he thanks all the actors who were nominated—and weren’t nominated. It’s particularly nice that he thanks “the Giamattis” specifically of the whos and the hahs of the world who weren’t nominated. He thanks Dennis Lehane and Eastwood and his costars and “Ma.” And his father. And Robin Wright-Penn, who is in great danger of being mistaken for Naomi Watts. He finishes up and there is big applause.

Crystal: “Bill, don’t go. Bill, it’s okay. Bill, we love you.” Big cheers for Bill Murray. Hee.

Aaaaaaaaaand here’s Spielberg for the big one (music: Indiana Jones). Ohhhhhhhhhhh Jesus. Ohhhhhhhhhh Lord. Get out the riot gear. Ohhhhhhhhhh Jesus. Lord help us, Lord help us, Lord help us if Return of the King doesn’t win. I know about a hundred thousand fans who will start setting fire to things. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Lord. Winner: “It’s a clean sweep!
Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King!”

Announcer: “This is the eleventh award tonight for Return of the King, tying for most Oscars with Titanic and Ben-Hur.” No shit! Really? They did it? Wow. Did they win everything they were up for, too? I wasn’t keeping count—that was Vladimir’s job, and of course I’m not in contact with him, because MY INTERNET IS OUT. Even Titanic didn't win everything it was up for--I believe it lost three awards, two of them for acting, and won the remaining eleven.

The whole cast and crew pours onstage. Oh, God. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for sparing us  in your infinite mercy this night, for yea verily I expected the Kodak Theater to go up in flames of fanboy vengeance had this not come to pass. Heee, Barrie Osborne dated a cousin of Billy Crystal, and it’s so nice to see
him finally put on the spot.

Holy shit, man, Osborne is talking more than Jackson did. THANK THE CAST! GOD! Osborne is finished. Anyone else going to talk? Anyone? Anyone?

Heh, Crystal wants to make sure that he and Osborne aren’t related. He would also like to thank Long Island, while he’s at it.

Huge applause as all the winners are gathered onstage. This actually does not take very long, as half of them were already up there for Best Picture. Awww, there’s a hobbit pileup of hugging in the back.

Hoooooo Lord. We got out of that one all right.

Check the blog tomorrow for the Oscar pool results--assuming I have an internet connection. Thanks to everyone for stopping by and making the evening so much fun!
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