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The 2003 Cleo Awards
Everyone and his dog has an awards show--why not us?

posted 1/01/04
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last year's Cleo Awards
our Oscar section



One Film to Rule Them All: Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Best Rerelease: Alien: The Director’s Cut

Worst Rerelease:
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (did it ever occur to anyone that there might have been a reason we didn’t go see the movie the first two times Miramax put it into theaters?)

Best Animated Film (tie): Finding Nemo, The Triplets of Belleville

<< Most Animated Film (tie):
The Matrix sequels

Best Kerfluffle: No screeners, no peace!

Every Cloud Has a Silver-Glove Lining: Michael Jackson's "The Nightmare of Edgar Allan Poe" movie will never, ever get made now

<< Lifetime Achievement Award for HoYay! in Film

Best Renaissance: Epic filmmaking (Master and Commander, LOTR, Cold Mountain, The Last Samurai, the upcoming The Alamo)

MVP in Aforementioned Renaissance:
Your bladder

Oddest Trend:
Movies so bad that, every time you thought you'd seen the worst, a new one would come along and take away your will to live anew (Hollywood Homicide, The In-Laws, From Justin to Kelly, The Hunted, The Life of David Gale, Kangaroo Jack, Masked and Anonymous, The Real Cancun, Legally Blonde 2--and this is just the first half of the year, people)

Most Welcome Trend:
Chicks who ruled










Trend with Most Frighteningly Mixed Results:
Superheroes in leather. X2? Yes. Underworld? Eh. Daredevil? No.

Most Surprising Pipes:
Billy Boyd, Return of the King

The Missed Opportunity Award: Cleo begged and pleaded, but the producers could not be persuaded to name the movie "Jeepers Creepers 2: Creep Harder"

<< Winner of the Swimsuit Competition

The Electrified Toad Award for Worst Line, Period: "Bomb voyage!"

Line So Bad It Circles Right Back Around Into Brilliance: "I think my penis sneezed"

Best Portrayal of Mental Illness:
Pruitt Taylor Vince, Identity

Best Portrayal of Someone Who, If Not Classified as Mentally Ill, Ought to Be:
Dory, Finding Nemo

Most Versatile: Johnny Depp (the patron saint of this award: Pirates of the Caribbean, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, and the upcoming Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Secret Window, The Run Diary, and J.M. Barrie's Neverland)

<< Best Nails


The James Brown Award for...

Hardest Working Man in Showbiz 2003: Shia LaBeouf (Holes, Dumb and Dumberer, Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, Battle of Shaker Heights, the upcoming I, Robot and Constantine)
Hardest Working Woman in Showbiz 2003: Rachel Weisz (The Shape of Things, Runaway Jury, Confidence, and the upcoming Envy, Daisy Winters, and--HEY!--Constantine)

LVP (Least Valuable Player) 2003:
Eddie Murphy, two years running  (Daddy Day Care, The Haunted Mansion)

Oscar Winner in Most Danger of Getting Statuette Rescinded:
Angelina Jolie (Tomb Raider 2: The Cradle of Life, Beyond Borders). AGAIN.

<< You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby: Keira Knightley (hold cursor over picture)

Most Necessary New Oscar Category:
Best Pirate










<< Best Action Sequence in Search of a Good Movie: the middle third of Matrix Reloaded


Best Pissing Contest: The Matrix films vs. LOTR. Newsweek proclaimed 2003 "The Year of the Matrix" and FX guru John Gaeta promised that the sequels would wipe the floor with--ahem-- other FX movies. Neither Matrix film was even invited to the yearly FX "bakeoff" to determine Oscar nominees

Best Hedging of Bets: No matter what happened, Hugo Weaving (Return of the King, both Matrix sequels) was guaranteed to be in at least one hit movie this year

<< Worst Hedging of Bets:
Bruce Spence got the thankless role of Trainman in Matrix Revolutions and was then cut out of Return of the King entirely (hold cursor over picture)

Best Elf
: Will Ferrell ("You sit on a throne of lies!")


<< MY EYES!


Sign That There Is, In Fact, A God: X2 and Pirates of the Caribbean, which could have easily fallen prey to the traps of being 1) a superhero sequel and 2) A DISNEY THEME-PARK RIDE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

Sign That, Even So, That God Is An Angry God:
Boat Trip

And If He Wasn’t Angry Before, He Probably Is Now:
The Life of David Gale

Oh, Now You’ve Really Made Him Mad:
The Cat in the Hat

Jesus Wept: The Brown Bunny

<< Best Kiss


Worst Hype-to-Result Ratio:
The Matrix sequels, The Hulk, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

Best Hype-to-Result Ratio:
Bend It Like Beckham, Spellbound, 28 Days Later

Close, But No Cigar:
Down with Love

Atomic Flop That Surprised No One:
Gigli

The Irony Award for Movies That Really Should Have Heeded Their Own Titles: Dumb and Dumberer

<< Movies Titles That Did the All the Work for the Inevitable Porn Knockoffs:
The Human Stain, Touching the Void, Holes


<< Best Eyeliner


Worst Death Scene:
Matrix Revolutions. You know the one.

Plot Hole You Could, In Fact, Drive a Mack Truck Through:
"Why didn't they just fly the eagles all the way to Mount Doom?"

The Miss Trixie Delight Award for Best Character Name: "THIS SUMMER, BEN AFFLECK IS... GIGGLY."

Best Business Investment for the New Year:
Take all your money out of superheroe musicals and put it in pirate historical epics



Notable Quotables


Tell us how you really feel
: “This movie is ripped shit… this movie is demolished ass.” (CHUD, The Hunted review)

No, really: "I hate to sound vulgar, and this is going to rub a LOT of people the wrong way, but I was waiting for Gwyneth to go ahead and stick her head in the oven so the film would end." (Kris at Oscarwatch on Sylvia)

The Nicole Kidman Award for Break-up Snark:
Brittany Murphy on Ashton and Demi: "I suppose the crux of their relationship basically means to him that age doesn't matter and to her that size doesn't matter. Good going for him, I suppose." (IMDB)

Best Article Pun: “You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Ang Lee”

Take us to your leader!: "Hi, I'm Richard Gere. Rob Marshall [truly is] is some sort of film-directing superman sent to Earth from another world we can only begin to fathom, and for whose existence we must be constantly expressing our gratitude, lest he and his alien overlords get angry with us and unleash their wrath upon our planet and its inferior film directors." (Fametracker's Galaxy of Fame)

Keep it coming: "Hi, I'm Renee Zellweger. And thank you, Rob Marshall, from whom all good things originate, and who rules us wisely and benevolently." (Fametracker's Galaxy of Fame)

One more: "Hi, we're Eminem and Roman Polanski, kicking it here in France in Ro-Dog's hot tub. We don't know which one of us was more surprised to hear his name. When Roman won, Em was all like 'Ah, shit Ro!' and snapping his fingers together, and when Em won, Ro was all like, 'My dizzle!' and then he started laughing and sprayed bub all out his nose." (Fametracker's Galaxy of Fame)

Peter Jackson imagines a TV spinoff for his favorite character: "I could make Treebeard a kind of crime-fighting tree who solves mysteries in Fangorn. He just doesn't do it very quickly." (Salon)

Jack Black on the Tenacious D's David Blaine-style hunger strike: "If we need extra nourishment, we will live off each others' rock." (IMDB)

The WTF Award:
Billy Bob Thornton on his split from Angelina Jolie: "I don't think either one of us know why we split up. It was like, say you're going into a nightclub one night with your friends and you're in line and the next thing you know, there are guys in helicopters and there's machine gunfire and you don't know what happened. That's kind of what our break-up was like." (IMDB)


Special Commendation for Snark Lobbed at Gigli:

"Such an utter wreck of a movie you expect to see it lying on its side somewhere in rural Pennsylvania, with a small gang of engineers circling and a wisp of smoke rising from the caboose." (Stephen Whitty)

"This is a movie that manages to keep finding new ways of being stupid." (Eric D. Snider)

"A rigli, rigli bad movie." (Bruce Newman)

"[You] realise that having your skin flayed by a potato peeler would be less painful." (Jamie Russell)

"I fought the urge to punch someone once it finally ended." (Jon Popick)



The Year in Digest


Most Effective Trailer: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, after which Correspondent Vladimir reversed his dislike of all things Potter

Free Multiple Personalities with Blog:
"Aye, never be underestimatin' the effect of a bit o' gentle persuasion ('Blackhearted Cleo demand a Talk Like a Pirate Day update, else the crew of the Good Ship Digest be boardin' yer blog! ARRRR!') on yer fellow sea dogs." (Talk Like a Pirate Day, Sept. 19)

And Bonus Personality with Journ
al!: "They don't care if we starves! They don't care if we sits up all night writing stupid nassty term paper! They eats all the snackses their fat selves! Oo, croutons." ("Paper-Induced Dementia")

You're Hired:
Eric: And there are so many fucked up issues with the Cat in the Hat wanting to fuck their mom.
David: Diegetically, there's bestiality.
Eric: Otherwise, there's the fact that Mike Meyers is dressed as a giant cat and getting a boner over these kids' mother.
David: IN FRONT OF THEM.
Eric: Isn't it bad enough for kids to imagine their moms in a sexual context at all, let alone being babysat by a giant animal wanting to put his weird cat dick in her?
David: "CAT DICK"?!
(. . . of charm and strange)


The horror: "Dude, Where's My Nun-Clown?; Crouching Nun-Clown, Hidden Dragon; Y Tu Nun-Clown También" (. . . of charm and strange)

Strangest Request Made to the Digest:
A request for help getting cast in the Lemony Snicket movie

Most Disturbing/Hilarious/Frightening Discovery Made by a Digest Staffer:
From Geocities and Sitemeter statistics , actual search terms that resulted in web surfers coming to the Daily Digest, even though we have never posted any of these items (see last year's list):

a funny pic of orlando bloom in a ballerina suit
black berry patch trailer park
Jerry Bruckheimer september 11
KAZAA NED PRANK CALLS
live naked sex theater to watch on
Where does Paul Walker get his hair cut
joanie cunningham wardrobe
high res hammer tools clip art
teens in short skirts gallery
Download Katie Holmes Sex Scenes
ben affleck georgia goatee
russell crowe piled on pounds
are ian mckellen and patrick stewart cousins


Ah... The Third Annual Daily Digest Cleo Awards... not to be confused with the Clios, or the Cleos, or pretty much any other legitimate award by that name. Winners were chosen by a highly unscientific process (i.e., whomever Cleo felt like). The ceremony was televised live on Elbow Public Access this past Wednesday night, but nobody attended, so nevermind. Winners who attended received a cookie. Said cookies were supplied by The Lovely Emily, Vice Associate Editor of Snacks, but since no winners were present, the staff "accepted" the cookies for the winners. And really, if you've got cookies, doesn't that make you a winner right there?
Star Wars: Episode I--The Phantom Menace
Jason Isaacs in Peter Pan; Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush in Pirates of the Caribbean; Peter Jackson's cameo as a corsair in Return of the King
Kill Bill; Return of the King; Bend It Like Beckham; Whale Rider; Daredevil; Underworld
Matrix Reloaded
Swimming Pool
Dude, do elves not RSVP?
Trainman in Matrix Reloaded; Mouth of Sauron in Return of the King
Maybe he's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline
"It's so...*deep.*"
Return of the King
X2
WHY IS MACAULAY CULKIN WEARING A FEATHER BUSTIER OH GOD MY EYES!
Cleo Awards 2001
Cleo Awards 2002