The First Annual Cleo Awards
2/25/02
Everyone else and their dog has an awards ceremony--why not us?

Winners were chosen by a highly unscientific process (i.e., whomever Cleo felt like). The ceremony was televised live on Elbow Public Access this past Sunday night, but nobody attended, so nevermind. Winners who attended received a cookie. Said cookies were supplied by The Lovely Emily, Vice Associate Editor of Snacks, but since no winners were present, the staff "accepted" the cookies for the winners. And really, if you've got cookies, doesn't that make you a winner right there?

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One Film to Rule Them All: Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Best Remake:
Ocean’s Eleven (not that the task was all that hard…)

Worst Remake:
Planet of the Apes (was Burton actually involved with this at all...?)

Best Animated Film:
A dead heat between Monsters, Inc., and Shrek

Most Animated Film:
Moulin Rouge

Best Rerelease:
Apocalypse Now Redux

Worst Rerelease:
2001: A Space Odyssey, because, shamefully, it was NOT

Best Trend: Movies That Confused the Hell Out of Us:
Memento, Mulholland Drive, Moulin Rouge (runners up: Donnie Darko, Vanilla Sky)

Best Renaissance: The movie musical and/or musical movie—the more creatively anachronistic, the better (see Moulin Rouge, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, A Knight’s Tale, the upcoming Chicago)

MVP in Aforementioned Renaissance: David Bowie, in Moulin Rouge (not one but two covers of “Nature Boy” and Beck’s cover of “Diamond Dogs” and “Golden Years” in A Knight’s Tale)

Trend with Most Frighteningly Mixed Results:
Singers migrating to the big screen.
Good: Will Smith, Ali (but Mr. Smith’s acting talent is old news now); Sean “P. Diddy” Combs, Monster’s Ball and Made; Aaliyah, Queen of the Damned (not that she could save the rest of the movie)
Bad: Mariah Carey, Glitter;  Mandy Moore, A Walk to Remember; Britney Spears, Crossroads
Only Time Will Tell: Samantha Mumba in The TIme Machine, Alicia Keys in a reported remake of A Star Is Born

Most Surprising Pipes: Ewan McGregor, who really ought to think about putting out an album if this whole acting thing doesn’t work out for him

The Frances Farmer Award for Best Nervous Breakdown: Mariah Carey
Runner up: Anne "God Talks to Me" Heche
(Pretty Good Reason to Have That Breakdown: Mariah Carey’s Glitter)

Best Performance in Search of a Worthy Film:
Will Smith in Ali

Best Makeup in Search of a Worthy Film:
Rick Baker’s astonishing work in Planet of the Apes

Best Portrayal of Mental Illness:
Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind

Best Portrayal of Someone Who, If Not Classified as Mentally Ill, Ought to Be:
Cameron Diaz  in Vanilla Sky

Best Performance by a Sir Ian:
Sir Ian McKellen as Gandalf in LOTR, although Sir Ian Holm put up a fight for the title in both that film (as Bilbo) and in From Hell, in which Sir Ian Richardson also costarred

The James Brown Award for...
Hardest Working Woman in Showbiz:
Cate Blanchett, who appeared in The Gift, The Man Who Cried, Bandits, all three (we think…?) Lord of the Rings films, Charlotte Gray, The Shipping News, the upcoming Heaven and possibly a biopic of Irish journalist Veronica Guerin), and STILL found time to have a baby and attend the Golden Globes

Hardest Working Man:
Steven Soderbergh, who, fresh off his dual Oscar nomination for Erin Brockovich and (win for) Traffic, released Ocean’s Eleven this past December, got to work on an “unofficial sequel” to Sex, Lies & Videotape, changed the title of said sequel three times (“How to Escape a Hotel Room Fire,” “The Art of Negotiating a Turn,” now “Full Frontal”), will release said "unofficial sequel" next month, and is developing a remake of Solaris

(Runner up: Billy Bob Thornton, who starred in Monster's Ball, The Man Who Wasn't There, and Bandits, thereby so confusing Oscar voters with multiple performances that he was nominated for none of them)

The Don't Get Mad, Get Even Award:
Nicole Kidman, bless her heart, who had two major hit movies, and was Oscar-nominated for one of them

Oscar Winner in Most Danger of Getting Statuette Rescinded:
Angelina Jolie (Original Sin, Tomb Raider, possibly the upcoming Life, Or Something Like It)

Runner-Up:
Two-time winner Kevin Spacey, who, after the execrable Pay It Forward last year, is getting harsh indifference for K-PAX and is, in fact, taking the brunt of the criticism directed at The Shipping News from critics who declare he was horribly miscast

Oi! Most Surprisingly Good British Accent by an American:

Contemporary Division: The Oscar-nominated  Renée Zellweger, Bridget Jones’ Diary
Ye Olde Divisione: Heather Graham, From Hell

The Cah Pahking Award: Kevin Costner’s accent in Thirteen Days, which ranged from passable to ridiculous (“Geh back t’yer game, spaht!”)

You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby:
Oscar-nominee Jennifer Connelly

Most Necessary New Oscar Category: Best Performance by a Monster (Shrek, Monsters, Inc., Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and... Monster's Ball?)

The 32 Flavors and Then Some Award:
Brotherhood of the Wolf, which Roger Ebert describes as “an explosion at the genre factory”:  “When the smoke clears, a rough beast lurches forth, its parts cobbled together from a dozen movies. The film involves quasi-werewolves, French aristocrats, secret societies, Iroquois Indians, martial arts, occult ceremonies, sacred mushrooms, swashbuckling, incestuous longings, political subversion, animal spirits, slasher scenes and bordellos, and although it does not end with the words ‘based on a true story,’ it is.”

Best Fight
Comedy Division: Hugh Grant, Colin Firth, and a plate-glass window (Bridget Jones’ Diary)
Drama Division: Viggo Mortensen and 50,000 Orcs (Lord of the Rings)
Most Unbelievable: Rush Hour 2. Are you really asking us to believe that Chris Tucker could last five minutes against Zhang Ziyi?

(Best Hair: Ziyi’s one-handed chopstick chignon move)

The Matrix Award for Most Copied Action Choreography:
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon's "wire fu" (The Musketeer, we’re looking at you!) ENOUGH, ALREADY!

The Witness Protection Program Award:
Steve Martin, who will be replaced as Oscar host this year by Whoopi Goldberg, returning for her fourth show, in apparent fear that Russell Crowe would take out a hit on him

Sign That There Is, In Fact, A God: The critical spanking administered to Michael Bay’s Titanic-wannabe Pearl Harbor

Sign That, Even So, That God Is An Angry God:
The combined onslaught of American Pie 2, Black Knight, Bubble Boy, Corky Romano, Dude, Where’s My Car?, Freddy Got Fingered, Joe Dirt, Monkeybone, Scary Movie 2, See Spot Run, Tomcats, Whipped… (If there are any other scatologically-inclined films we forgot, do not remind us of them. Please.)

And If He Wasn’t Angry Before, He Probably Is Now: 2001’s Shocking Art Films. While Battle Royale and L.I.E. posted excellent reviews, possibly exempting them from this award (it is our personal theory  that good movies, no matter what the subject matter, do not anger the Lord), mixed-to-outraged reviews appeared for Harmony Korine’s Bully and the French film Baise-Moi (translated as “Rape Me” for distribution, but which French minors Cleolinda and the Lovely Emily might argue actually means “F— Me”)

Oh, Now You’ve Really Made Him Mad: Megiddo: The Omega Code 2

Worst Beating Administered by a Daily Digest Staffer:
What AngelDust inflicted on Cleolinda after that “critical spanking” crack about Pearl Harbor

Worst Hype-to-Result Ratio:
Final Fantasy. “Photorealistic!” Only not, and hamstrung by a feeble script; Square Pictures wound up folding in the wake of the disaster.

Best Hype-to-Result Ratio: Lord of the Rings. After years of hype that included an “internet only” preview, a museum prop exhibit (!), a solid month of drooling from AICN’s Harry Knowles, and four, count ’em, four premieres (London, NY, LA, and New Zealand), LOTR made $200 in three weeks, $700, 000 worldwide as of this writing, and earned 13 Oscar nominations, ensuring that New Line Cinema would not be absorbed as threatened by its parent company, AOL Time Warner.

Close, But No Cigar:
Films like Hannibal, A.I., Vanilla Sky and Atlantis: The Lost Empire, which received violently mixed, love-or-hate reviews, though all of them were brave departures for their makers (Ridley Scott, Steven Spielberg, Cameron Crowe, and Disney, respectively), and three of them were championed by various Digest staffers

Atomic Flop That Surprised No One:
Town & Country

The Irony Award for Movies That Really Should Have Heeded Their Own Titles:
Not Another Teen Movie;  What’s the Worst That Could Happen?

Movies Titles That Did the All the Work for the Inevitable Porn Knockoffs:
Blow, Snatch, The Taste of Others, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist

This Title as a Metaphor: Life as a House

Best Running Joke:
The ominous air mail sent home from the globe-trotting gnome in Amélie

Least Welcome Nudity: Paul Bettany, A Knight’s Tale

Most Welcome Nudity: Halle Berry, Swordfish and Monster’s Ball

If This Is the Future, Sign Us Up:
It: Jude Law’s sexbot in A.I.

Best Evidence of Evolution: Tim Roth’s astonishing simian regression in Planet of the Apes

Best Kiss

Plot Hole You Could, In Fact, Drive a Mack Truck Through:
Tomb Raider. So if you have to have both pieces to make up the blah blah blah, and you’ve got one of them….WHY NOT JUST DESTROY THAT ONE PIECE??

Runner-up: Don’t Say a Word. Spoiler—swipe to read: Okay, so the Sean Bean and company want to find the jewel that Brittany Murphy hid in her father’s coffin. BUT THEY DON’T KNOW WHERE SHE HID IT; they only know that she knows a “six-digit number,” which, to their astonishment, turns out to be the registry number of his coffin. SO HOW DID THEY KNOW TO ASK FOR THE  SIX-DIGIT NUMBER? (Thanks to Moviepooper.com.)

The Miss Trixie Delight Award for Best Character Name: Petal Bear (Cate Blanchett), The Shipping News

Weirdest Image to Bookend a Cinematic Year:
Severe facial trauma (Hannibal in February, Vanilla Sky in December)

Stupidest Protagonists in a Film:
The college kids who get out of the car—OUT OF THE CAR!!!—after seeing what they do, in fact, BELIEVE TO BE A HOMICIDAL MANIAC DUMPING BODIES at the beginning of Jeepers Creepers.

Best Hat

War Whose Movie Quota Has, In Fact,  Been Filled, Thank You:
World War II

Runner up: Vietnam

War We Would, In Fact, Actually Like to See More Movies About: The War of 1812

Best Business Investment for the New Year: Somebody needs to set up a stud farm in Australia and harness the apparent power of the Antipodes to churn out Hot Actors with a Capital Hot (Hugh Jackman, Heath Ledger, Russell Crowe, etc.)

Best Audrey Hepburn doppelgånger: Audrey Tautou

Worst Audrey Hepburn doppelgånger: Jennifer Love Hewitt

Best Hedwig: Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Worst Hedwig: Harry Potter’s faithful owl, whose name, to fan Cleolinda’s (irrational?) disgust, was pointlessly not even mentioned once in the film despite several appearances

Best One-Step Age/Gender Determination Test (Accurate Within 3.5%): If you find the title “Freddy Got Fingered” the least bit amusing, you are a teenage boy

The Keebler Award for Service Rendered to the Public Image of Elvenkind (Motto: “Taste This Magic!”): Lord of the Rings

Most Infectious Trend: Scarlet fever, with five  victims so far and more to come

Worst Reactionary Logic:
Okay, so if your wizard is a kindly headmaster who saves an orphan from an abusive foster-family, he’s bearing the standard of Satan, but if he hangs around smoking “pipeweed” with a bunch of overly affectionate (ahem!) hobbits, he’s a Christian allegory? Rrrrrrrrright….



Notable Quotables


Funniest thing said by Richard Harris: “Now you have guys like Tom Cruise, who's a midget, and has eight bodyguards, all six feet tall, which makes him even more diminutive. He disappears behind them. It's an absolute joke.”

Funniest thing said about Richard Harris:
"Hello, I'm Richard Harris. I play Bumbleflore...er, Crumblesnore...or, uh...f—k it. I'll be at the pub." (Fametracker)

(Most Mind-Blowing Suggestion, Found on Same Fametracker Page: "Hi, I'm Terry Gilliam. I'm sure you liked Chris's movie and everything, but I just wanted you to take a moment and imagine how much more f—ked-up and great it would have been if I'd gotten the job. There. That's all. Stupid Warner Bros.")

Most Annoying/Spooky Tagline, Depending On Who You Talk To:
Brittany Murphy’s singsong “I’ll never te-ell…” in Don’t Say a Word

Line of Dialogue That Nearly Got Cleolinda Arrested: “D’you wannnnnnna buyyyyyyyy some COOKIES??” (Look, if you were standing in line at your local supermarket near a group of pre-teen boys comparing their nasal Chris Kattan/Corky Romano whines for FIFTEEN SOLID MINUTES, you would snap, too)

Honestly, If You Weren’t Kevin Spacey, You Would Have Received a Beating: Entertainment Weekly reports that Julianne Moore joked on the set of The Shipping News, “Ooooh! I get it—just get nominated a couple of times and it’s ‘Change this, do that.’ Win a f—ing Oscar and ‘You’re fine.’ ” Whereupon costar Kevin Spacey deadpanned, “Uh, two Oscars, Julie.”

Honestly, If You Ever Get Within Six Feet of Russell Again, You Probably Will Receive a Beating: Steve Martin at the Oscars: "Ellen [Burstyn] did something [in Requiem for a Dream] not many actresses are willing to do: She made herself look 30 pounds heavier...and Russell Crowe still hit on her."

Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn!: In response to David Letterman’s query about her new single life, Nicole Kidman replied, kicking her feet out as she sat on his couch, “Well, I can wear high heels now!”

Tell Us How You Really Feel, Rodge:
Of Freddy Got Fingered, Roger Ebert wrote, “This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels.”


Most Frightening Discovery Made by a Digest Staffer:

From Geocities Site Statistics, actual search terms that resulted in web surfers coming to the Daily Digest (We Are Not Making These Up):

daniel radcliffe nude
emmanuelle chriqui nude pictures
female cyborg pics
halle berry monster's ball naked pics
jules asner nude
melissa gilbert nude
naked pics of actor elijah wood
naked britney speers
not another teen movie pics bootleg
nude orlando bloom
orlando bloom nude

Kids, if any of you out there also have Geocities sites, we suggest you go to your own Site Stats page and look at some of this stuff (if you’ve got a strong stomach), because it’s an eye-opener, to say the least.
The Daily Digest does not, in fact, feature any of the above items requested, so we’re not sure why our pages came up in a search. The only “naked” we EVER featured was Tom Cruise, and it was just a Vanity Fair cover. If you just really want naked actress pictures, we hear that homunculus.com is a really good place to start. Also, if we can figure out who wanted “nude daniel radcliffe,” we will be calling the police. Thank you.
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You know what's scary? Jennifer Connelly is FOURTEEN in this picture