Movies You May Have Missed

updated 2/17/03





What's new
Hound of the Baskervilles, Gigi




"Movies You May Have Missed" really started out as a forum for me--that'd be Cleolinda--to review (literally, re-view) movies I personally felt were absolute must-sees. The point of this being, any site can tell you what the universally accepted classics are. My (self-appointed) job is to bring a personal flavor to the table--why say what everyone else says just because that's what they say?

Quickly, however, this category split off into two sub-topics: Movies You Must See and, really, Movies We Happened to Catch on Cable This Weekend While Folding the Laundry. Not to mention the fact that we're an extremely young site as of this writing--there were several movies I, or other contributors, wanted to review that didn't really fit in the theatrical or video release columns on the main
Reviews page.

Point being, Movies You May Have Missed has now become a place for us to muse upon movies we love, movies we hate, movies we can't believe we didn't see until now, and movies we can't believe we sat through at all. Some of them have star ratings; the earliest reviews, on the assumption that MYMHM would be new classics, don't. But, without further ado, in alphabetical order:

28 Days
"Let's face it, people. Sometimes movies rock for reasons not actually related to the quality of the movie itself. The reason in the case of 28 Days can be easily summed up in four simple words: Viggo Mortensen Is Hot."

Auntie Mame (Inky)
"Vera asks, 'Why did the oriental sandman let me sleep in my best Chanel?' after waking up the next morning after a night of having a few, and Mame replies, 'He tried to get it off you, but you bit him.' Hee hee."

The Brides of Dracula

"Instead, we get “Baron Meinster”--“disciple of Dracula,” etc., etc.--played by David Peel, a fairly fine-lookin’ blond guy who apparently fell off the face of the earth after this movie. However, this may have something to do with the fact that, when he goes vampiric, he suddenly gets puffy, twenty years older, and gay."

Buffalo '66
"We don't find out a thing about Layla, and just a few background details would make this so much easier to swallow....she was abandoned by her crack-whore mother and now lives with her over-bearing grandparents! She grew up with circus freaks! A house fell on her sister, I don't know--pick one, any one!"

The Elephant Man
"The result is a straightforward tale infected by nightmare— you think it’s fun being an Elephant Man?— while not being the nightmare itself, which is a pretty good description of the rest of Lynch’s oeuvre."

eXistenZ

"You’ll notice that the Bioport comes with its own little Chapstick-type tube of lubricant; Leigh purrs, 'I wouldn’t want to hurt you,' as if she’s getting in a little dig for all of womankind right there."

Eye of the Beholder

"Then she strips down to her bra and panties. And
then she takes out a knife and stabs the man to death on the tarp. And then she falls to her knees, gasping and sobbing and shrieking, 'Merry Christmas, Daddy!!!' "

Gigi

"Well, thank God for little boys, then, because I was getting a little freaked out about Uncle Honoré scoping out the seven- and eight-year-old chicks."

Ginger Snaps
"Ginger starts locking herself in the bathroom more and more frequently to take care of the unpleasantness of becoming a woman--and a werewolf, but there you go."

Gods & Monsters
"The film’s real stroke of genius, however, is that it’s actually about two men, one gay and one straight, who really want the same thing: to love and be loved."

Hannibal
"Can't you just see Jodie Foster's Clarice waking up at the beginning of some (further) sequel and telling Ardelia, ' Man, I just had the weirdest dream... Lecter was running around all over Europe cracking jokes and sending me moony little love notes and trying to feed me sautéed brain--but here's the really weird thing: I was Julianne Moore! ' "


Heavenly Creatures
"You may decide that they were Small Town Teenage Killer Lesbians, but I take the less pulp-fiction approach that they used each other--and their "Fourth World"--as surrogates for real-world experiences."

The Horror of Dracula
"You know Dracula’s a vampire and you can’t figure out why she wants to leave? Frankly, Harker’s so stupid that I can’t believe he doesn’t get killed any sooner."

The Hound of the Baskervilles

"It’s therefore the height of hilarity when [Christopher] Lee finally gets attacked by “the hound of hell” and “defends” himself by falling over backwards and folding his arms Dracula-dramatically over his face, a move that’s about as effective as schoolchildren duck-and-covering during a nuclear blast."


How the Grinch Stole Two Hours of My Life That I Will Never, Ever Get Back
"Okay, Christine Baranski machine-gun pumping Christmas lights onto her house with a satiated sigh? Ew."


Jack & Sarah
"Also, it mows through the Corporate Single Parent Juggles Baby and Work pretty quickly too, which was a relief—the world only needs one Baby Boom, after all."

The Lion in Winter
"Henry's mistress, Alais, was raised as a daughter by his wife Eleanor. Also, she was betrothed to Richard as a child. But that's okay, because, according to the movie, Richard was fooling around with her brother Philip. Oh, and Eleanor was first married to Philip's father. Did I mention it's funny as hell?"

Lost Highway
"I dig Lynch, for the most part, but that’s because I’ve made a certain peace with his films: They do not make sense. They are not supposed to make sense. If you try to make them make sense, you will probably hurt yourself."

Pay It Forward (Mr. Typo)
"What is it with you people and that little alien kid and the skank-ho Helen Hunt?"

Pushing Tin (Mr. Typo)
"Okay, now they've done it.  They've made me angry.  They've made me dislike a John Cusack movie."

Return to Oz
"Also, it is worth the price of admission to hear the following exchange between the wonderfully claymated Nome King and a minion: ' What about the—
chicken??'   'Sire…there is no sign of…
THE CHICKEN!!' "

Say Anything (The Lovely Emily)
"Say Anything is a movie that should be shown to every 13-year-old boy before he’s allowed to go on dates. Any self-respecting mother of a son should grab him by his flannel collar right now and show him this movie, even if he’s 40."

Scream 3 (Inky)
"Sure, it follows a formula: person gets killed at the beginning, Sid gets freaky phone calls, she does something really stupid, there's several stalk scenes in houses and other places, and then the "Gasp! It was YOU! Why?" finale, with the stupid killer spilling his/her guts and incriminating themselves, the audience knowing all along that Neve Campbell is going to give them so many slices that they'll look like a cheese grater (or, in some cases, smash a TV on their head.)"

Something Wicked This Way Comes
" ' Your torments call us like dogs in the night. And we do feed, and feed well. To stuff ourselves on other people’s torments. And butter our plain bread with delicious pain...'  Holy God, this is a chil-dren's movie?"

Spellbound
"Not only am I the Evangelist of Old Movies, but I’m here, in contrast to the over-whelmingly male webmaster majority, to bring you ladies cinematic hotness from yesterday, today, and tomorrow. (You’re welcome.)"

Star Wars: Episode I--The Phantom Menace
"There’s a shot where Yoda’s sitting beside him in the Jedi Council and Jackson looks over at him and all of a sudden I flash back in that car in Pulp Fiction with Jheri-curled Jackson driving, only it’s Yoda in the passenger seat instead of John Travolta, soberly intoning, 'A Royale with cheese, call it they do.' ”

Stigmata
"And there were a few moments--well, let's take Frankie writing on her apartment wall in Aramaic, for example. Fine, spooky scene. And then she staggers back to bed, half-conscious, and the camera lingers on... her sock feet in jelly sandal platforms. I don't know if that's the stupidest thing I've seen all week or the most brilliant."

Velvet Goldmine
"My God, did I see more of these actors than I ever wanted to. You know what? Sometimes you can have too much of a good thing. Yes, even of Christian Bale. I think I went blind for a couple of minutes there."

Witness for the Prosecution
"Laughton comes from that great tradition of knightly, stage-trained British actors who can boom and bellow and simmer and twinkle their eyes at the audience and project their thoughts across their faces and still never seem like they're acting."






Old Movies: How Old Is Old?

"What now constitutes an Old Movie? As opposed to a movie that simply isn’t recent? I’d like to reject the premise that it’s 'one of those black and white ones'—plenty of Old Movies are in color—or that it was filmed before the speaker was born, because I’ve met way too many young teens who think Jaws is an Old Movie. At that rate, Moulin Rouge will be lumped in with Casablanca as an 'Old Movie' by 2015. Let’s take the antiquing rule of thumb that an Old Movie must be at least 50 years old. I’m sorry, but I just can’t think of movies from the ‘60s or—God help us—the ‘70s as 'Old.' Middle-Aged, maybe. I'm sorry, where was I?"

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