The Tuxedo

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Mr. Typo: 1/2 *

Starring Jackie Chan, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jason Isaacs

Oh Jackie, why hast thou forsaken us?  This movie is beyond bad...FAR beyond bad.  But I'll get to that soon enough, I promise.  Basically, what we have here is a Jackie Chan "comedy" without jokes or any kind of logical plot whatsoever.  But that's not necessarily the worst part.  I'm gonna take you through this movie step by step, explaining exactly what's wrong with it. But beware....there will be plenty of spoilers.  Why?  Because after I'm done, you won't want to see the movie anyway, so it won't matter.

Okay, as far as basic plot goes, Jackie Chan plays Jimmy Tong, a newly-hired chauffeur for secret agent Clark Devlin (played by soon-to-be-respected-as-Lucius-Malfoy-but-not-for-this-garbage Jason Isaacs).  Devlin is your basic suave superspy type, Jimmy is pretty much just a good driver that wishes he were.  Long story short, Devlin gets hurt, Jimmy assumes his identity, wears his technologically advanced super tux, gets super powers, seeks revenge, meets fellow agent Del Blaine (horribly played by J-Love Hewitt), they do spy stuff to save the world from, get this, an evil bottled water empire, crazy hijinks ensue, etc. etc.  Yeah, apparently the bad guy's plan in this one is to control the water by poisoning the world's supply with a strain of bacteria that causes you to be MORE thirsty (yeah, I more about this below).  Just recapping that gave me a headache from the memories of watching it...

- So what was so bad about it?
- What?  Who are you?
- The long neglected Q&A writing device...answer my question...
- OK, let's go through it, point by point...

ONE - J-LOVE: I, for one, cannot recognize J-Love as a feasible sex symbol, much less a scientist-slash-secret agent they make her out to be in this movie.  Are you supposed to like her?  I think if her dialogue was transcribed it WOULD BE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE SHE KEEPS SCREAMING AT PEOPLE AND SEE HOW ANNOYING THIS IS???!?!?!?!?!?  Sorry about that.  Anyway, as many scenes as they show her in wet clothes and swinging her boobs around, she's way too dumb to be believable.  I'll mention one scene in particular (remember, I promised spoilers)...  So she's confron-ting the main bad guy at the end.  After stealing Jimmy's super-tux for some reason that's never really explained, she offers it to the water baron guy as some sort of token.  Why does she do this?  I think we're to think that she thinks that since her agency has been notified and is on the way that this will be okay.  But I assure you, no thinking was involved whatsoever.  She's already caught the guy, he's not doing anything, the feds are called in....why the hell would you give this guy some super-suit that would enable him to escape?  The only reason is for a final showdown between him and Jimmy who "just happens" to come across another super-suit...  This just makes me mad, but brings me to...

TWO - MOVIE LOGIC, OR LACK THEREOF: Yes, there are two owned by Clark Devlin and one...apparently owned by Jimmy, himself.  Yes, my friends...after a few stupid scenes between the two of them at the beginning, Mr. Devlin decides that he likes this Jimmy Tong and gives him a super-suit of his own.  I don't know how I feel about this as a taxpayer...government-developed technologi-cally enhanced clothing being issued to limo drivers that have been on the staff maybe two days?

THREE - SCIENCE?  ANYONE?  BUELLER?: I know, this is probably just me...but did any one of the writers pass 7th grade life science?  I will suspend my disbelief enough to acknowledge the passing chance that wearing clothing with microchips in it will allow you to run over 70 mph and walk on walls.  I will however, NOT, believe that there are strains of bacteria that, after being imbibed, can reduce you to dust in mere seconds.  Some sort of chemical, maybe...a virus, sure why not...hell, I'd even go with a magical force.  But when you give an explanation like the bacteria deliver their DNA into the body cells to require more water....folks, that just ain't possible over a series of seconds.  I'll even look past the fact that the bacterial DNA would most likely be digested by your stomach acid, and that it could *theoretically* have DNA inserted into host cells (within a few hours).  But seconds?  Okay, enough of this science just don't make sense.  I wouldn't be so preachy about it if it pretty much wasn't what the entire film was based upon.  Next time, have a high school biology teacher read the script before you throw millions of dollars into it.  (On another point, I'll try to avoid mentioning that the entire bad guy plan was shown not to work by J-Love's scientist, but not before they have lots of punches and explosions and whatnot...just in case, I suppose...)

FOUR - JACKIE CHAN: Yeah, I hate to do it, but you know it would come to this.  He just can't carry an American comedy.  He doesn't have the grasp of the English language to really be that good by himself.  Put him with a Chris Tucker or an Owen Wilson -- brilliance...they have a good straight man to work off of that can bring the action.  But J. Love doesn't cut it.  One of the big relevations of the movie is that Jimmy realizes that Mr. Devlin (in a "dying" breath) asked him to find "water strider" not "Walter Strider".  But, I thought Jackie Chan was saying "water strider" the whole time.  So, whoa, that like, totally, caught me off guard....uh....

So don't go see this movie, kids.  Don't rent it.  Watch TV instead.  Jackie, I hope Shanghai Noon 2 and Rush Hour 3 treat you right...cause this just wasn't your thing.
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