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Oscar Playoffs: The Golden Globes

1/19/03: The Ceremony

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12:25 pm CST.
The red carpet footage on E! started more than an hour ago.

"So, Tom O'Neil... Diane Lane's been acting for something like 25 years?"

"Let's look at the food they're making for the Globes dinner tonight!"

"Say, Tom O'Neil, would you like to take bets on who'll get bombed first on the free booze tonight?"

There is a point at which you do actually want to say, for the love of God, people, get a life.

Why bother recapping the Globes as a play-by-play?
Well, last year was my first year running a site, so I didn't know any better, and then it turned out to be sort of fun. Also, I'm apparently a lot funnier when I'm not really trying than when I let it overnight, write it up, and--well, try too hard. The one thing that sucks is that my TV is to the right and behind me as I sit at the computer, so yeah, that sucks.

Stream-of-consciousness musings on the show:
I would watch the E! crap more closely, but honestly, I just downloaded some really cool old '80s songs, which are a thousand times more fascinating than watching teamsters wrestle with tentpoles and carpet rolls behind Patrick Stinson... My attempts at predictions were honestly pretty miserable, the more I think about it. I think I'm going down this year... Nicole Kidman just recently got a star on the Walk of Fame? Something's not right here... Hmmm... if one were to want to look at the Golden Globes page at NBC, one would go here... Is there any pizza left over from Friday night? Pizza sounds good.

12:56. Mmmm, pizza. Anyway, looking up some times here (all times are CST, so add or subtract accordingly). The actual red carpet show starts on E! at 5 pm, while the red carpet at NBC is at 6 (and I tend to switch over to official red carpet shows because, since the network owns the ceremony's ass, they tend to grab better celebrities). The show proper is scheduled from 7 to 10, but it also includes TV awards, and I just realized, looking over the TV nominees, that I have no clue. Whatsoever. See, I spend so much time 1) in grad school, 2) working on this site, and 3) otherwise writing that my once-healthy TV habits withered on the vine. I have not seen any of the TV movie nominees, nor have I ever laid eyes on any of the drama series (no, not even 24). Were it not for Television Without Pity, I would have nothing. I sacrificed it all for you, people.

1:52. (Still on E!.) How much were those people on the street paid to shout "TODD TODD TODD TODD!" below Todd Newton's balcony? Still, I guess it's better than "JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP!"

1:58. I miss Steve Kmetko. So very, very much.

Oh my God, Anna Nicole Smith. I mean, I know she has a show now and all, but--1) I do not care about her Globes predictions (insert your own "her Globes ain't so Golden anymore" joke here) and 2) why is she dripping with sweat as she sits in a hotel suite?

2:30. You know what? I've never tried out the Yahoo group chat room before. I'll be in there if anyone wants to help me stay awake until the red carpet starts. We've got message boards, too, you know. (Sigh.)

3:07. Some talking head on E! who is not Steve Kmetko is pointing out where the international press is going to set up along the red carpet, and I catch the word "Telemundo." Suddenly I am imagining a giant Simpsons-style ˇSábado Gigante! bumblebee man with a microphone and cameras accosting Nicole Kidman.

Holy friggin' crow, the $12,000 gift "trunk" for Globe presenters includes a TiVo. And a cell phone. And A TIVO. "We like to be stylish." Can I be a presenter when I grow up?

3:30. Walked downstairs--where some football game's on--to get more (iced) tea and saw an awards-whore commercial for Two Towers ("Over 90 Top Ten Lists! Time Magazine Calls It the Most Important Adventure of Our Time!" Simmer down there, Announcer Boy). Also: Viggo Mortensen is very, very pretty. (This is as good a time as any to note that we gave him the Jennifer Connelly You've Come a Long Way, Baby award at the Cleos this year, and our affiliate Musings of Viggo returned the favor with a link that resulted in a few thousand hits. So
--thanks, guys!)

3:35. Seriously, people, I'm dyin' over here. Somebody over at E! had best come up with something interesting stat, or I'm off to play Free Cell.

4:45. Ah, the Golden Globes Pre-Show Nap. Rock on, folks.

The E! also-rans are reporting that Joan and Melicious Rivers have been sighted in the area. Bring it on. Dammit! Can't! See! TV! Behind me! Was that Salma Hayek? I turned around too late.

5:00. Merciful Jesus, Joan's mike doesn't work, the better to not hear that oh-so-timely Michael-Jackson-baby-dropping sight gag she just perpetrated. Bad joke, bad joke, bad Pete Townshend joke, bad Dubya joke, bad joke, bad joke. Do I get hazard pay for this?

Joe Millionaire joke. Sadly, the funniest part of Joan's routines is how you can hear the crew guffawing off camera. WHERE ARE THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE?

"How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" commercial. Seriously, can we get Bebe Neuwirth a few starring roles? I would much rather see a movie about whatever character she's playing. Also: What did you think was gonna be in Kate Hudson's medicine cabinet, McConaughey? Chips and beer?

Another stupid joke with that damn baby doll. Bad joke, bad joke, bad joke. "I just screwed up that joke, GO BACK!" shouts Joan at the TelePrompter, laughing. "GO BACK!"

Throw us to Melicious, already, gahhhh. The only reason I kinda like Melissa Rivers is that she always seems visibly embarrassed by her mother. God, her hair looks bad, though--it's like a big lank, streaky helmet. Patrick Stinson reports that they're mixing drinks in the E! suite. Which reminds me, I have some booze I need to put on ice for the show. All right, I'm back. Tony Shalhoub! It's surreal to hear him speak without some sort of accent. Lucky man, though--he got Melicious.

"Kangaroo Jack" is the #1 movie for the weekend? Won't someone think of the children? (You know what? I just had a flashback to this time last year when I was cussing about "Snow Dogs? F---ing SNOW f---ing DOGS??" topping the box office. Is it just something about January that brings on the bad animal movies?)

Oh, and E!'s "Live Rank" red carpet feature is here.

Uh-oh, technical difficulties--my page editor just crashed. So hang in there if I disappear.
You know, because it's urgent that you find out just how crappy this show is (eye roll). I am serious, Shalhoub's the biggest person E! has snagged so far.

5:25. Cheryl Hines: Nice dress, dig the sparkly flowers. Disgusting show (Curb Your Enthusiasm), based on the conversation she's having with Joan. Although Joan usually has that effect on me anyway. (Man, do you remem-ber when Joan was cool several years ago, because nobody else would take the piss out of these people, and now she's just full of herself and annoying as hell?). Ah, here's Bryan Cranston, the Malcolm in the Middle dad; I like him.

Yay! Sean Astin!
(Oooh, was that Diane Lane in the background? She looks tired.)  Joan keeps trying to ask questions, but she's so toasted that Astin finishes the questions for her: "What was it like working with... Cate... Blanchett... and Ian... Holm...", and Astin, for example,  proceeds to rattle off every single other cast member before bouncing off onto how much he loves everyone. The thing I love about the Lord of the Rings actors is that they pimp the movies out tirelessly, you know? Gotta respect that.

Sam Rockwell (or "Eric Bana," as I originally typed, for no apparent reason, from Confessions of a Dangerous Mind) ambles up. I keep hearing so much about this guy, and he seems like... I don't know, Edward Norton's more laidback brother. Maybe I'll just magically "get" him someday.

Yay, William H. Macy!
"Is this the wife or the mistress?" So classy, that Joan. "Felicity Huffman, my wife," says Macy, eagerly adding, "and Golden Globe nominee of two years ago." Awwwwww.

Gazing out into the crowd: Oooo, Maggie Gyllenhaal in some white lace flower-looking dress. Melicious talks to the cast of The Shield. I start filing my nails idly while waiting for Julianne Moore/Catherine Zeta-Jones/Renee Zellweger/Nicole Kidman to show up--you know, the big designer-gown dogs. Some TV cast and U2 show up, as I wrestle with EZ Codes on the forums.

Oh, here's Robin Williams and daughter. Williams seems relatively calm, although he does a great TiVo impression. "Who did you base the man in One Hour Photo on, your mother?" The hell?

6:00. Thank the Jesus, NBC's red carpet has started up. Schwarzenegger and Dick Clark are looking over the nominee list. I certainly never thought I would learn the correct pronunciation of "Gyllenhaal" from Schwarze-negger, let's put it that way. Throw it to Lisa Ling: God, Diane Lane is tiny. Great hair, very basic black. She looks less haggard on NBC, although the reception is strangely fuzzy (I have digital cable, so that's odd). Access Hollywood chick with Michael Caine--dude, is the Access Hollywood girl wearing a scrunchie in her hair? In fact, I think she's wearing the same gold scrunchie that I'm wearing right now. That makes me sad.Throw it back to Dick (make up your own dirty joke here): Dennis Quaid, Far from Heaven, something about the gay community, blah blah blah Captain Obviouscakes on Clark's part. The interviews come fast and furious: AH Chick with Eric McCormack doing a Michael Caine impression (not bad, either). Gahhhh, Goldie Hawn in a dress that would look bad on Kate Hudson, for Pete's sake: open lacing down the front, lots of bare, leather-tanned chest. Fleh. Oh, and Kurt Russell. AH Chick: Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, who are apparently being given the credit for the success of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I know they produced and all, but I'm not sure Hanks' popularity has quite that long an arm ("What should we see tonight, honey?" "How about that movie Tom Hanks produced? He's always good").  Beyonce Knowles: Is so excited. And she just can't hide it. Nice rose-applique bodice--hey, nice "Sha-ZAM!" also. I didn't see Goldmember, but I am a sucker for blaxploitation flicks, so maybe I ought to rent it after all.

Only now do we hit the first commercial break. See, I told you that NBC owns this show's ass.

More people: Ed Harris--was that Nicolas Cage? Sir Elton John (that's got an odd ring to it). He loves 8 Mile, he will have you know.  He thinks the resurgence of musicals is fantastic (no! Really??). Ah, Nicolas Cage, one of my least favorite actors. I don't know why, he just is. And I even liked him in Raising Arizona. Do you ever have that kind of irrational dislike? Yeah. Anyway, he's got a very plain, normal-human-being suit on.  Lisa Kudrow in a very smart red dress--picture in picture: What the hell happened to Helena Bonham Carter's hair up there? Feh, AH Chick has tried to corner Kudrow into saying that it "took too long" for Friends to win the Emmy, and Kudrow just looks at her like, "The hell?"

Salma Hayek, nice red dress and lipstick, and Boyfriend of Digest (one of many) Edward Norton, although his hair is reaching perilous pompadour heights. Ooo, Queen Latifah in light turquoise, nice. Sarah Jessica Parker looking tiny and pale, post-baby, in a black suit with Matthew Broderick.
Bold red lipstick is turning out to be popular tonight, it looks like. Nia Vardalos in another simple black dress--clean lines, you know what I mean, not glittery or fussy like last year's dresses tended to be (like Reese Witherspoon's gorgeous dress). Man, did I just turn into Instyle magazine or what there? Scary.

6:25. Commercials. Dude, you get so much more pound for pound here than you do on E!. We're back: "Marisa! Marisa!" shouts some woman. Renee! Ooh, she chopped all her hair off. Looking very pale--"pale" another of the big looks tonight. Richard Gere comes up behind her and kisses her on the neck--another clean black dress, by the way. Seriously, I was listening in Friend of Digest Valerie's car the other night to the Chicago soundtrack--I don't know who Richard Gere sounds like in that movie, but it ain't Richard Gere. Queen Latifah in that light turquoise, nice hair, wearing it well.

"When I say 'sex,' who do you think of?"
Uh, Angelina Jolie? No? "Kim Cattrall!" shouts Lisa Ling. Another red dress. Oooooh, Halle Berry in a beautiful lavender dress, gorgeous glittery straps. Who was that in the--what the hell, was that Ozzy Osbourne who just ran past? There's Kate Hudson in a hideous flat, supportless tube top dress. I saw someone in a weird dark chartreuse color, was that Julianne Moore? A throw-to-commercials shot of Catherine Zeta-Jones in (say it with me if you know the words) a simple black dress.

"Confessions of a Dangerous Mind" commercial.
Julia Roberts does that sweep-everything-off-the-table move. I hate that, because I defy anyone to actually do that in real life. Not with my china you don't, anyway.

6:37. Hugh Grant, dapper as usual. AH Chick tries to nail him on the "running from marriage" similarities to About a Boy. And the babbling. Gah, move it along here--Jesus, someone in the bleachers just let out a thirty-second shriek like they were being crushed to death. And all for a look at Cameron Diaz.

The Odd Couple award: Samuel L. Jackson and Dame Judi Dench. Something about Jackson being a stand-in for Bill Cosby? Awww, no love for the Dame, she's put off for later. That was her, wasn't it?

Oh dear, Colin Farrell just said something about "watchin' this shit on TV" and they totally didn't bleep him, and the AH Chick even told him to lay off on the swearin', and he has the biggest, fakest Lucky Charms Irish accent I've ever heard. I say that because his brother even said in Vanity Fair that the Farrells grew up in a comfortable suburb, "and no one talks like that over here." And then Colin Farrell calls her "darlin' " and leaves.

God. Sharon Stone looks like a drunken flapper in black (feather straps?). This is precisely the kind of fussy black dress that nobody else is wearing.

Leonardo DiCaprio--Dick Clark initially calls him "Leonard."
Leonard glowers.

Commercial: The Swell collection at Target.
Am I terminally tacky for wanting to redo a room in that? It's like Breakfast at Tiffany's by way of Technicolor. Also, is it just official now, after Far from Heaven and with Down with Love coming out,  that the In Decade of the Moment is that 50s-cusp-of-the-60s Doris Day wonderland?

6:47. Jennifer Connelly in raccoon eyes and another sleek black dress. Wow. Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey look like they may be related. Which makes their new rom-com theoretically icky. Here's U2 again. Dude, Bono's Irish accent is more subtle than Colin Farrell's.

Gah, I had to go to
Yahoo for a picture of Nicole Kidman. I lust for her earrings. Nice dress, too. And, yes, it is actually not black.

More Robin Williams, now with his Eminem impression. You know, since Elton John mentioned his duet with Eminem, I suddenly have visions of Robin Williams (possibly dressed
as Elton John--you can see it, can't you?) and Eminem onstage together somewhere.

Ah, Brad n' Jen, his hair approaching Legends of the Falls length (what movie must this be for? Troy, he seems to indicate). Poor Jennifer Aniston is hobbling along, and Nancy O'Dell--the AH Chick--just about tackles her fresh out of the limo. All right, the show is approaching, and I have to negotiate dinner in here somehow.

7:00. Gahhhh, this year they're mangling "Razzle Dazzle" as their opening theme. "Meryl Streep 'em, James Gandolfini 'em"? That sound you hear is the sound of my ears bleeding.

What the crap--Lara Flynn Boyle in a pink tutu?

Shot of Rita Wilson pouring the champagne: ah, drunkenness.
Viva la booze. Hugh Grant and Salma Hayek kick the proceedings off: Best Supporting Actress, holy crow--waste no time, shall we? Big cheers for each nominee from the crowd, which is obviously already quite buzzed. And Meryl Streep takes the Globe--tripping over half the tables on her way up. I think she just kissed Leonardo DiCaprio on the way. Also--what the hell is she wearing? A disco ball jacket, black pants, and a chiffon train? I mean, she looks okay--glowing, in fact--but the hell? The crowd roars and claps. She's breathless, joking about her 799 nominations and how it's been since the Pleistocene Era that she's won. You can hear the clatter of silverware in the background. She thanks Cage. Then Chris Cooper (big cheer). Apologizes to Susan Orlean and for Charlie Kaufman. Ooo--looking back at the predix, I apparently predicted Streep would win. Go me.

Best Actress, TV, Comedy, whatever. Kiefer Sutherland and Jennifer Garner present; Jennifer Aniston wins. Well, at least they got her, the cane, and her bum foot out of the way early on, that's nice. Aniston is Freaking the Hell Out: "Oh my Lord, I just got here!" See, this is why it pays to be on time. Garner and Sutherland again, for Best Actor: huge cheers for all nominees--Tony Shalhoub wins! Awww, I like him.

Three major awards in ten minutes. Oscars, are you watching?

Renee Zellweger comes out for
Supporting Actor (go Chris Cooper!). Yay, Chris Cooper wins! Yay, I predicted that one too! I am so happy for him that I will not question his current platinum blondness. Also: This is now two awards for Adaptation. Very interesting.

7:18. Gahhhhhh, just made it back upstairs in time with dinner. Carol Burnett: please let this be a TV award so I can eat. Ah, best comedy series (woooooo, The Simpsons!). Wow, it goes to Curb Your Enthusiasm. Huh. Larry David: "This is a sad day for Golden Globes. It is, however, a great day for Larry David. I suspect the wife will be a little forthcoming tonight!"

Tim Allen and Laura Linney, who is already introduced as "the star of The Life of David Gale," despite the fact that it's not yet out. Bad Tim Allen thong joke I could have lived without.
Best TV movie award or somesuch. Winner: The Gathering Storm. I have no idea. Ooh, Ridley Scott gets to accept as producer. Finally the poor man gets to accept something. Oh, wait, he's not here, some woman is speaking for him: Foiled again!

Sam Rockwell and Sarah Jessica Parker:
Best actor in a TV series drama. Michael Chiklis wins for The Shield; the cast goes wild. He also says "magic carpet ride" for the second time this evening. Commercials: chow time. Nicolas Cage and Alec Baldwin schmooze in a quick "during the commercials" shot.

7:35. "Two major acting awards," huh? Ooooooo, Jude Law. So pretty. Ooh, movie clips: About Schmidt. Jude Law? Still pretty. Ooo, Brendan Fraser: Not as pretty, but not bad--heeeeeeeee: "Ladies and gentlemen, please salute me--uh....." A roar from the audience. "Please salute me!" cries Fraser more emphatically, making the best of a bad situation. "No, really, please salute the Foreign Press Association!" Bless his heart. He and the Foreign Press Chick have to stifle giggles through her speech. Heee.

Hudson and McConaughey:
Actress, TV movie. (Wow, Shirley Maclaine as Mary Kay? Where was I when that was on? Ooh, Helena Bonham Carter and Vanessa Redgrave and Helen Mirren. Are TV movies British actress heaven or something?) Uma Thurman wins for Hysterical Blindness, no shit! Huh. Well, her clip was pretty good. Another sleek black dress, mediocre hair. Huh, Mira Nair was the director? Where was I, again? Oh, that's right, updating my website.

Heee, the title "2 Fast 2 Furious" is too tacky even for the announcer to say outright ("Paul Walker, from the sequel to..."). Also Jamie Lee Curtis up to present, who blurts out, "Ladies, look what I got in my gift basket!" and grabs Walker. Oh dear.
Actor, TV movie: Donald Sutherland, Path to War. Sutherland avers that he only won because "I am older than the rest of you... which I think is only fair." He also thanks "Don King, for my hair-dresser," and the late John Frankenheimer. Awww.

Commercial: The Life of David Gale's title is printed in a block, in the exact same font and style as that of The E! True Hollywood Story. Heh.

Booze! Speaking of which, Sharon Stone shows up for Best Actor (Musical/Comedy). I have money on you, Gere, don't let me down. Stone shouts all the nomines drunkenly, but saves her real enthusiasm for the winner: "RICHARD GERE!" Atta boy. Gere says he didn't expect this, and that he thought that Cage would win (Cage points and grins at him and says something about a brother, I don't know). Seriously, I started having second thoughts about my prediction and wondered if I though switch to Cage. Meanwhile, back onstage, Gere is STILL TALKING. Well, he may never get this chance again, and he has the grace to thank both Kander & Ebb and writer Bill Condon before he thanks anyone else. Oh Lord, and he thanks "a gentle man named Harvey Weinstein." Gere is now making growling noises onstage at the New Yorker, apparently, for some article about Weinstein? I don't know. Now he's thanking the entire cast by name, all the dancers, his dance teacher, Colleen Atwood for costumes, his agent Ed Limato--seriously, I'm typing as fast as I can and I still can't get everyone down. Oh, and his wife. Now I know why they allotted three hours for this show. Also: You in the background? Sharon Stone? Shut up.

7:58. Bono: "Took an Italian to make a movie about the Irish." (Mr. Typo adds that he totally stole that from last night's Saturday Night Live.) What is he talking about now--Caravaggio and Hieronymous Bosch and what? Enter the Gangs of New York clip (or read my addled review here). Nice editing, though, on the clip.

Schwarzenegger: "This is payback time for me... almost every nominee has a difficult name to pronounce." Hee.
Best Actress (Musical/Comedy): Come on Renee! WOOOOO! Zellweger wins. Apparently my predictions are a lot better than I thought. Awww, Zellweger is tearing up and talking about how her brother yelled at her to shut up while she was singing along with Paul McCartney. She also has a list: Catherine Zeta-Jones gets thanked for "her bliss," Latifah for being "her queen," Gere for being her "boyfriend" (Gere is married, but they've been play-fully kissing all over each other all night, mind you, in front of his wife), and now she singles out Rob Marshall. Awwwww: "I just love you! I will forever and ever be proud to say that I was in Rob Marshall's first movie, and that you are my friend!" Man, she is gonna be so hungover tomorrow, I tell you what.

8:06. Mike's Hard Lemonade: The official hard lemonade of Digest. Seriously, y'all, expect some typos to show up pretty soon. Booze!

Marisa Tomei and Ray Liotta with the
screenwriting award: Awww, I'm weak. I split my prediction between The Hours and Chicago, despite actually thinking that Adaptation probably deserved it and... wow, About Schmidt. My luck has officially run out. Well, it was good while it lasted. I did note that this was an extremely tough category--you could seriously imagine any one of the nominees winning.

Lara Tutu Boyle--dude, complete with garish lace-up-the-knees ballet shoes--and Kelsey Grammar with Mr. and Ms. Golden Globe, the kids of Lorenzo Lamas and Andy Garcia. Well, not kids they had together or anything. Anyway.
Actress, TV drama series: Edie Falco, The Sopranos. Oh dear. Falco has laryngitis and can't talk. That's ironic. Cut to the audience laughing in shock, particularly Harrison Ford, for some reason (the shot of him, not the laugh, I mean). Also: Lara Flynn Boyle's getup is seriously fugly, y'all.

Annette Bening with a clip from The Hours. Annette Bening. Is very carefully. Enunciating. Her words. Now we actually get a scene instead of a monta...and it's over.  Well, that was brief. Anyway. Colin Farrell and his Lucky Charms escort Beyonce Knowles up to the mike to present Best Original Score. I seriously don't know on this one; Typo predicted Elmer Bernstein, and I sort of unthinkingly chose Peter Gabriel. Heh: it's Eliot Golden-thal for Frida. Isn't he married to Julie Taymor, the director of Frida? I seem to remember that. Heh: another thank-you to the "gentle folks" at Miramax.

Josh Brolin and Jill Hennessey,
supporting actress/TV: Kim Catrall wins. Well, you do think of her when you hear the word "sex," you know...

Ooooo, Heath Ledger. Yay, Two Towers clip! Poor stalwart Sean Astin seems to be the only TTT star in attendance, poor thing.

Elton John:
Best Song. God, that Madonna song is one of the worst songs I have ever heard. I think I picked U2 and Mr. Typo picked Paul Simon. Although I would like to see Eminem win, actually... Ah, and U2 takes it. Ahhhhh! Bono just busted out with the F-word! NBC really just doesn't care anymore, do they?

Kristin Davis and Simon Baker:
Best TV drama. (Whoa, who is that guy on The Sopranos with the skunk hair?) Winner: The Shield. The cast goes wild.

Celine Dion commercial: Oh, it's on, bitch. "I Drove All Night" is one of my most favoritest songs ever. You're goin' down, Frenchy.

Man, friends don't let friends type drunk. This is getting difficult.

8:46. Michael Caine can barely get onstage, burdened as he is with all the wards that the announcer mentions. Here we go with the Cecil B. DeMille award for Gene Hackman. Hackman's first role, wordless, is shown--hee! He looks so young! And so on, with various other clips--hee! Lex Luthor! Mississippi Burning. The Firm. Unfor-given. Oh dear--Robin Williams with a Birdcage clip. And then The Royal Tenenbaums and Young Franken-stein. Speech! Speech! Aww, it's a really sweet, eloquent speech, too. Well, I always figured Hackman for a man who could hold his liquor.

Oooh, there's that Two Towers commercial again. Love those Ents walking out.

9:04: Harrison Ford comes out with Best Director: I'm here for Jackson, but I predicted Daldry or Marshall. Huh: Martin Scorsese. He definitely deserves it, but I'm surprised by the upswing in feeling for Gangs of New York as evidenced tonight.

Jeff Goldblum (who keeps murmuring how beautiful, just beautiful, all the performances nominated are) and Calista Flockhart, who is about as thick as Goldblum's wrist:
Best actor, TV movie. Holy shit, William H. Macy is impressive. Okay, wow, I am also impressed with Linus Roache as one of the Kennedys--remember, he was in Wings of the Dove, he's frickin' British. Anyway, Albert Finney wins for--AHHHH! He couldn't be there because he's FILMING A MOVIE IN ALABAMA! Criminy! I must send my spies out into the field, since we're based in Elbow, Alabama, for cryin' out loud.

9:17. Sigourney Weaver with a clip from The Pianist.

Jennifer Connelly and Samuel L. Jackson out for
Best Comedy or Musical. I have Chicago down for this one, but it's another really strong category. And it goes to Chicago. Crap. I missed the name of the tremulous old man accepting for the film, but he remembers the late Bob Fosse, and has a crush on the two lead actresses, and is apparently going to apply for sainthood for Rob Marshall. (Seriously, I would be more impressed if Gere hadn't blurted out that "95%" of  the technical glories of the film were already in Condon's script.) Hee! The old guy just talks right over the music cue, and the musicians have to stop and let him talk more. Rock on.

9:32. Ooooo, Cate Blanchett is pretty. Foreign Language Film: Talk to Her (damn straight). Heeeee:  they played the "get off the stage" cue, and Almodovar is still talking. The sound fritzed out for a minute and then came back. He is still talking.

Ooooo, Nicole Kidman is also pretty. But why does Daniel Day-Lewis have no hair?
Best Actor (Drama): as Typo and I both predicted, Jack Nicholson, About Schmidt. All I'm sayin' is, this better turn out to be a damn fine movie. Nicholson says that he doesn't know whether he should be happy or ashamed, "because I thought we made a comedy." Yeah, sucks to be you. Shut up and take your award, Jack. He's abnormally softspoken, so--ahhhh, he just mentioned taking a Valium, that explains a lot--I only caught a little of the Kathy "Bates Motel" joke.

Oh, and am I the only person who remembers that Jennifer Connelly and Luke Perry were in a music video for "I Drove All Night" in, let's say, 1990-1992ish?

9:43. Brad Pitt, Best Actress (Drama). Tough category, kids, but I went with Julianne Moore. Big drunken roars for each nominee, and it's NICOLE KIDMAN! Well, I named her as a strong second and she was Typo's predic-tion outright. Kidman's Oscar chances have just gone way, way up. Awww, Moore and Streep are tearing up, even though Kidman seems relatively calm as she says that there were lots of strong female performances this year, "So, writers, please keep writing for us, because I think we're interesting."

Halle Berry in that lovely dress, which looks distinctly blue in this light, with Best Drama: The Hours. Yay! I actually kinda half-called that one! Awww: producer Scott Rudin calls Streep, Moore, and Kidman up on the stage.

Commercials: GODDAMMIT, A TECHNO CELINE REMIX OF "I DROVE ALL NIGHT." Are you TRYING to kill me? And with that, I will sign off, because my hands hurt like what Bono would undoubtedly call a motherf---. And always remember, kids--the Golden Globes: Brought to you by booze!

Photo credits: Yahoo/AP Photo/Reuters. See dozens more at Yahoo.
Golden Globes links

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Cleo and Typo's predix

Who won last year? And how did the Globes com-pare to the Oscars?

Beautiful Mind won both Best Picture at the Oscars and Best Drama at the Globes (Moulin Rouge took Musical/Comedy).
Lead actors: Neither Russell Crowe nor Sissy Spacek, Globe winners, wound up with the Oscar. (Gene Hackman and Nicole Kidman won for Mus/Com leads--still off the mark.)
Supporting Actors: Two for two for the Globes--Jim Broadbent and Jennifer Connelly won both.
Director: Wildly off with Robert Altman (Ron How-ard took the Oscar).
Screenplay: Another correct hit with Beautiful Mind (Best Adapted at the Oscars).
Best Song: A Sting song from Kate & Leopold--the Randy Newman/Monsters Inc. song that won the Oscar wasn't even nominated.
Original Score: Moulin Rouge won the Globe, but Fellowship of the Ring took the Oscar.
Foreign Film: Here again, a match with No Man's Land.

What was Cleolinda's batting average predicting the Globes
last year?
I missed Best Drama, Best Sup. Actor, Foreign Film, Director, Screenplay, and Song. To be fair, though, we were all surprised by Song...
Oscar Watch