Updated Friday 9/19/03, 12:05 am CST

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Talk Like a Pirate Day: Greetin’s, Salutations, and “Yar.” Captain Cleolinda, Black-Hearted Princess of the High Seas, Terror of the Spanish Main, and Wanton Adven-turess of the World Wide Web, be bringin’ you an entire news update bespoke in pirate lingo, in honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day this very morn. Lap it up, mates; ’tis unlikely ye’ll see such a sight for many a moon (twelve more of ’em, at least). And if Lady Luck smiles upon ’er, mayhaps the Cap’n’ll be able to stabilize the course of the news updates. (She pens ’em all by her onesies, ye know.)

Ports of call:
Talk Like a Pirate Day.com
Talk Like a Pirate.com
Pirates of the Caribbean official site
Pirates of the Caribbean transcript

... and ye dare not forget to visit the
Piratical Edition of Short Attention Span Theater an' Cap'n Barry's scow while ye'r on the seas, me hearties.

See Short Attention Span Theater for daily reports on updates and housekeeping, or our Yahoo Group for email alerts and newsletters.

Top stories

Box office: Avast ye, Cap’n Johnny be on two places in the top ten at the same time—Once Upon a Time in Mexico at the very top o’ the mast and Pirates of the Caribbean still clingin’ to the barnacle-crusted side of the scow.

The Bennifer be no more: ’Tis time the daft son of a biscuit-eater sent that strumpet a-walkin’ the plank!

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Trailers and multimedia

Apple: Mystic River, Mystic River (Making Of), Love Actually, The Triplets of Belleville, Home Room, The Petersburg-Cannes Express, Kill Bill Vol. I
Alien: Director’s Cut, Stuck on You, House of the Dead, Lost in Translation

Empire Movies: Kill Bill Vol. 1, Cold Creek Manor clips, Out of Time, Love Actually, The Singing Detective, Gothika, Sylvia, 21 Grams, Intermission, Dorm Daze, The Dreamers, House of the Dead, In The Cut, Stuck on You

TheOneRing.net: Reminder to all ye absentminded folk with an itch to see some pretty lads swashbucklin': the trailer for ROTK is not comin' until 9/26. Still in front a' Secondhand Lions. Just not this week here.

School of Rock: “Complete streams to the title track of the movie and a cover of AC/DC'S 'It's A Long Way To The Top,' both performed by Jack Black” (Dark Horizons)

Official sites: Alien: Director’s Cut, Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Trailer Park: Stuck on You, Kill Bill Vol. 1, Gothika, In the Cut, Sylvia

Casting calls and future films

Release dates

The Human Stain: shuttled back to Halloween with better Oscar plunder in mind (CHUD)

Quick casting

Batman: Christian Bale (aye, ’tis God’s truth, from the mouths of studio execs); Dennis Quaid? (Jo Blo)

The Bourne Supremacy: Joan Allen (in parley) (CHUD)

Benjamin Bratt; Frances McDormand (any port in a storm, we s'pose) (Latino Review, Dark Horizons)

Dukes of Hazzard:
Be none of these unfortunate souls assigned to the accursed vessel after all? (Greg’s Previews)

Elvis Has Left the Building: Sean Astin, Annie Potts, John Corbett, Denise Richards, Kim Basinger (Jo Blo)

Flight of the Phoenix: Giovanni Ribisi, Jacob Vargas (Cinescape)

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past: Ben Affleck. Aye, fitting it is. (Film Jerk)

A Good Woman: Tom Wilkinson and Scarlett Johansson be throwin’ in their lot with that pinchy wench Helen Hunt on a purpose of adaptin’ Lady Windemere’s Fan. The smarter barnacles among ye may know that our mate Wilkinson and the younger bird have shared a berth before in th’ upcoming Girl with a Pearl Earring.

Heart of the Atom: Be it a coincidence that both Viggo Mortensen and Connie Nielsen be Danish?

Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events:
Jude Law (Snicket, instead of Johnny Depp), Meryl Streep (Aunt Josephine, instead of Emma Thompson). Fine folks all, but Cap’n Cleo be displeased with the substitutions. ’Tis like whiskey when ye were expectin' rum, aye? (Jo Blo)

The Life Aquatic: Say Dark Horizons, “Cinema em Cena reports that Brazilian actor and singer Seu Jorge (City of God) has joined the Wes Anderson comedy playing a soccer-shirt wearing member of Bill Murray's crew, one who has a habit of singing Portugese versions of David Bowie songs.” Grievous mad bastard, the wretched creature is.

The Manchurian Candidate:
Jon Voight, Kimberly Elise (Cinescape, Cinema Confidential)

Pretty Persuasion: Evan Rachel Wood, Nick Cannon, Shawn Ashmore, Roselyn Sanchez (Jo Blo)

The Proposition: Guy Pearce (ahoy, Guy Pearce, we’ve a proposition for ye…) (Moviehole)

Jason Schwartzman to replace that ship-jumpin’ bilge rat Jimmy Fallon (Cinema Confidential)

Sian Ka’an:
Michelle Rodriguez, Alfred Molina (Sci-Fi Wire)

Silver City: Thora Birch, dir. John Sayles (CHUD)

Sleepover: Alexa Vega, Mika Boorem, Kallie Flynn Childress, Sara Paxton, Brie Larson (avast! The sprat’s got the name of a bloomin’ cheese!), Sean Faris, Steve Carrell (Coming Soon)

Taxi: Gisele Bundchen, Jennifer Esposito, Christian Kane, Henry Simmons, Ana Cristina De Oliceira, Queen Latifah, Jimmy Fallon (Cinescape)

Because if anyone has a “WWII female pilot” look about ’er, it’s that bird Diaz. Cor blimey. (Coming Soon)

West Memphis Three: Nick Stahl (CHUD)

Wimbledon: Jon Favreau (Cinema Confidential)


The Love God? remake:
Darryl Quarles (Coming Soon)

More films

Future Disney slate: Rapunzel, Pretty Ugly, Uncle Stiltskin, Ella Enchanted (Sci-Fi Wire)

Before Sunrise 2:
What sort o’cockamamie swill be this? (Jo Blo)

Closer: ’Tis a pity, but Her Cateness be walkin’ away in order to deliver her second spratling. Jude Law, Natalie Portman, and Clive Owen’ll carry on brave without her. (Cate Blanchett News)

Father Knows Best:
Blast ye into hell n' brimstone, no he don’t! (Dark Horizons)

G.I. Joe: Aye, the wee poppets be commandeerin’ their own vehicle. (CHUD)

Halloween remake:
Arrr! Off with the heads of these vile curs! (Jo Blo)

The Rum Diaries: Arrrr, rum! Johnny Depp be takin’ the wheel of another Hunter S. Thompson adaptation, with Nick Nolte, Josh Hartnett (a mite green for the likes of this crowd, but we’ll give the lad a trial), and Benicio Del Toro, with Del Toro at the helm as well. (CHUD)

Seed of Chucky:
It be happenin’ after all, thanks to that “Cabin Fever” scalawag Eli Roth. (AICN)

Silent Hill:
Christophe Gans be helmin’ this adaptation of a bloomin’ video game. Those beauties always turn out fine... (Cinescape)

Star Wars: Episode III: The principal photography be done and the crew be packed up and gone home… where they’ll spend a year creatin’ the rest of the godforsaken movie on a bleedin’ computer.  (Coming Soon)

Superman: Mayhaps Brendan Fraser, mayhaps not… listen, you flea-ridden Warner Bros. bilge rats, you flag the Cap’n down when you have a solid piece of intelligence and not until then, savvy? (IGN)

Tenacious D in the Pic of Destiny: Meatloaf as the hapless sire of Jack Black? Yar. (IGN)

Latino Review has heard tell of some news from the lips of one Jonathan Frakes. Sounds like a landlubber t’us, but he’ll do.

Transylvania: A television spin-off of Van Helsing. Without any of the film’s characters. And no Hugh Jackman. Ye best be pullin’ Cap’n Cleo’s wooden leg, ye rudderless vermin. (Dark Horizons)

Underworld 2:
Aye, there be one on the horizon, most likely with Cap’n Wiseman and his lady Beckinsale on board. (Coming Soon)

Reviews (Here be spoilers!)

AICN: It Came from Outer Space, Demonlover, Shattered Glass, Underworld, I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead, Pray for Rock’n’Roll, Wonderland

CHUD: Out of Time, Les Triplettes de Belleville, Matchstick Men, Cypher

Dark Horizons: Underworld (2)

Empire Movies: Wonderland, Secondhand Lions, Cold Creek Manor, The Singing Detective, Once Upon A Time…, Out of Time, Veronica Guerin, Dogville, Underworld, The Human Stain, Lost In Translation, Dickie Roberts

Film Jerk: Cypher, The Backyard, The Life Aquatic (script), Resident Evil: Apocalypse (script)

JoBlo: Anything Else, Cold Creek Manor

Salon: Lost in Translation, So Close, Matchstick Men

’Tis Thursday night at the moment; ’twill be updated when the Friday reviews come out.

Upcoming DVDs

CHUD: When Thugs Cry, Dysfunktional Family, Deadly Invasion, Omega Man, Dreamcatcher, Run Ronnie Run, A Double Life, Brass Eye, Angel #2, The Storyteller, Rodentz

Dark Horizons: Indiana Jones, X2

DVD Fanatic: In Cold Blood, Monty Python and the Holy Grail: CE

Alias, Daddy Day Care, Confidence, The Core, Identity, Family Guy vol. 2, A Mighty Wind, Bulletproof Monk

Jo Blo:
Bend It Like Beckham, Confidence, Boyz ‘n the Hood, Prizzi’s Honor; news on the original Star Wars trilogy

Interviews and profiles

About.com: The Rock (The Rundown), Robert Duvall (Secondhand Lions)

Ancanar: Ralph Lister (official site)

Underworld writers

Cinema Confidential: Haley Joel Osment (Secondhand Lions), Kate Beckinsale (Underworld)

Coming Soon:
Kate Beckinsale, Scott Speedman (Underworld), Michael Caine (Secondhand Lions), Cuba Gooding Jr. (The Fighting Temptations), Jason Biggs and Christina Ricci (Anything Else)

Dark Horizons:
Kate Beckinsale (Underworld)

Empire Online: Richard Curtis (Love, Actually)

IGN: John Sayles (Casa de los Babys)

Jo Blo: Len Wiseman (Underworld)

Latino Review:
Rita Moreno, John Sayles (Casa de los Babys), Cuba Gooding Jr. (The Fighting Temptations)

Lights Out Entertainment: Eli Roth on Seed of Chucky, Kate Beckinsale (Underworld) 

Lord of the Rings.net:
Miranda Otto (Eowyn)

USAToday: Scott Speedman (Underworld)

The Z Review:
Chistopher Allen Nelson (Kill Bill)

Other news

J-Lo and Affleck 'may still marry'; Vatican praises Mel Gibson film; MPs urge BBC to plough cash into Brit flicks; Brad Pitt addicted to cooking; Colin Farrell is a dad; Beckinsale asks for boob job on film poster

IMDB: Affleck's Mother To Blame for Axed Wedding?; Blanchett Awaits Baby Number Two; Johnny Depp Signs for 'Fear and Loathing' Follow-Up; Bono's AIDS Plan Turned Down By Bush; Halliwell Dates Hollywood Star; Britney Chooses Madonna Song As Single; Cage and Presley Together Again; Paltrow's Plath Was Her Father's Wish; Ewan's "Dirty" Sex Scenes Are More Realistic; Schwarzenegger Trespasser Charged

Jam Showbiz: Arcand film in Oscar running; Depardieu severs ties with son; Scott Speedman stumbles into fame; Haley Joel Osment ready to mature; Colin Farrell welcomes baby boy; Alison Lohman matches teen role; Jason Statham's job well done

Sci-Fi Wire: Cardinal blesses Mel Gibson’s Passion

USAToday: “Celebrity couples often lead the way with cold feet”

Zap2It: Affleck: Was He Born to Run?; 'Elvis' Gains Two More Followers; Birch Branches out to 'Silver City'; Stahl Joins Controversial 'West Memphis Three'; Bratt and Berry Get Catty; Depp and Del Toro Go Gonzo Again; Blanchett Expecting Second Child

Fun and games

DVD Fanatic:
Smallville DVD contest

Fametracker: Battle of the Cruise-alike Heartthrobs-In-Waiting (Peter Facinelli vs. Christian Bale); Fametracker’s Ten Least Essential New TV Series, 2003; John Ritter’s Posthumous Fame Audit; The 2003 TV Season in the Galaxy of Fame; Battle of the Spotlight-Hogging Pop Hangers-On (Britney Spears vs. Courtney Love), Hey! It's That Smarmy Yet Oddly Corny Bastard! (Craig Bierko)

Something Awful:
“Doom House” movie review

Tomato Nation:
Operation Find Don. Help the lady out, ye scurvy woodworms!

X-Entertainment: “My Best Friend Is a Vampire.” Blast me, Robert Sean Leonard is but a wee scalawag!

The Z Review:
Kill Bill contest

Short Attention Span Theater: Infamous bad scribblin's from book-learned sprats (“Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever”; “'Oh, Jason, take me!'; she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night”); the $100 milkshake that keelhauled the Good Ship Bennifer; Master Figwit gets his very own autographed Topps card; Miss Jones flees the country over at the Black Ribbon; Cap’n Cleo be addicted to Passions (“All right! Everyone just screw and shut the hell up!”) at Maximum Honey

Parting shot

How to Talk Like a Pirate: Phrases

** This relationship is over, it's me, not you. I'm sorry but I need some space right now.

Avast ye' daft son of a biscuit licker, tis time for ye' to walk yonder plank! This old scow not be fit for the likes of you!

Dude, where's my stapler?

Aye! If I find me stapler in your berth, you scurvy knave, ye'll be hangin' from the yard arm this noon!

Chelsea is a slut!

Arrrr! that bird ye got there is a groggy two timed parrot of a wench! worth'e as a sharpenin' stone for me sword.

Hello, this is [insert your department here]. How may I help you?

Arrrr! 'Tis the [insert your department here]. What swashbucklin' can be done fer' ye' this fine day?

How would you like to come over to my place after dinner?

Arrr! I be boardin' yer ship! **

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